Conservative Comedian Monologues on Dr. Pepper and Helen Thomas

In response to a just released study showing that Camel Cigarettes’ new ads are particularly effective in attracting children ages 12-16, Camel has just announced that their new celebrity spokesman will be Roman Polanski.

Here’s a little piece of trivia…originally Camel Cigarettes weren’t called “Camels.”  When they were first introduced they were called “Horse” cigarettes.  Then what happened was that the horse developed a cancerous lump…

The 1980s rock band “Kiss,” now featured in Dr. Pepper commercials, had the honor of ringing the closing bell on the New York Stock Exchange the other day.  Critics called the bell ringing “most complex piece of music” of their nearly thirty-year career.

In a related story, under the Democrats’ latest healthcare scheme, Dr. Pepper will actually be allowed to perform surgery.

Another bit of trivia…with all four of the original members of the band on stage, experts say there were more cosmetic products in use than at any time since Meg Whitman stood alone on the podium.

In fact, these same experts say more cosmetic tricks were employed by the band that day than at any time since Barack Obama first introduced his healthcare scheme.

It really is a perfect storm going against the Dems.  Now, with daylight savings time, there’s even less chance they’ll be able to pass their healthcare bill in the dark of night.

And, in a related story, Al Gore is now claiming that that the perfect storm that is mounting against the Democrats is proof positive of manmade global warming.

I’m so tired of this president claiming bogus accomplishments.  Did you hear the latest?  Now that we’ve moved the clocks ahead, Obama’s claiming that his policies have “saved or created” an extra hour of sunlight every day.

Several European countries are considering outlawing the wearing of a burka in public places.  I guess our allies are finally wakening up to the fact that Islam is a veiled threat.   

I think there might be a happy compromise to be found with Islamists in America.  Muslim women will promise to no longer wear the burka if we promise that Helen Thomas will.

This just in…the Congressional Black Caucus has announced that they are outraged, simply outraged, and have commissioned a study to determine just what it is they’re angry about this time.

The New York Times posted a picture of Barack Obama surrounded by a glowing cross.  Some people say the symbolism was unmistakable and that the Times was trying to subliminally promote Obama as Jesus.  That’s not what I saw, I thought the Times was saying that if Obama shoves his healthcare bill through, the guy’s going to be crucified at the polls.

And the big hit at the box office this weekend was Alice in Wonderland, the classic tale of a fantasy world where logic and reason don’t exist.  Experts say its success can be traced to the number of Democrats who came out to see the film thinking it was a documentary.

According to, America has moved “substantially closer” to losing its AAA  bond rating.   There’s a certain irony, isn’t there, getting dropped from triple A because you’ve lost your way?

Just wondering… now when suave Wall Street insiders introduce themselves to the ladies, do they say “Bond.  Junk Bond.”

The report reflects the feelings at Moody’s Investor Services but I don’t how much you can trust their feelings.  After all…they moody!


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