The codger was celebrating his hundredth birthday and the local newspaper sent a journalist to cover the event. "Sir, to what do you attribute your longevity?" "Well, I never touch a drop of alcohol." The reporter jots a note to write a piece about teetotaling. Suddenly, they hear a loud clatter from the next room. "What's that?" "Oh, just my Dad on one of his binges."
So it is when you research government programs. Every time you think you’ve discovered some desiccated fossil of a project from the Eisenhower era, someone tops you with a doozy from Woodrow Wilson. Walk around those old government edifices in D.C., knock on doors at random and ask what folks are doing: you’re in for a real education. In one room you might find a guy analyzing the ratios between speed limits and accident rates; seems relevant enough. But behind Door No. 2 is a 40-year bureaucrat who studies the feasibility of returning to an all-equine transportation system. As Ronald Reagan famously quipped in his speech at the 1964 Republican Convention: "The closest thing we have to immortality is a government program."
Of all these zealously guarded fiefdoms, none may longer endure than taxes of the people - whether they like it or not, by the people - who love to collect it, for the people - whether they need it or not. (Years ago, a witty homeless man joked to me: "I take a shower once a year whether I need it or not.") Once it's on the books, it keeps coming off your books. There is no levee to halt the levy, no mulct stops getting milked. The era of Big Government is over, said Bill Clinton, which just means that they give back less of what they take.
When Reaganite types gather to weep over the liberties that government takes and people lose (Note to English majors: That's called a syllepsis or zeugma), a favorite bugaboo is the "Spanish-American phone tax." Back in 1898, two centuries ago, the U.S. of A. was fighting a war with Spain in which we won Puerto Rico and Guam, and Cuba became independent. Some extra pesos were needed for an extra cannon or something (plus we slipped Spain $20 million at war's end). They decided to sock it to the rich; you know, the ones who could afford that newfangled gizmo, the telephone. And, yep, in 2006 they were still collecting that tax at 3% per call.
Oh, we tried to embarrass them into stopping, but these politicians, Republicans included, are impervious to ridicule. They know how to speak softly but they carry on with their big sticky fingers. Cuddly as teddy bears when you meet them, they are rough riders when they storm that Hill. Neither the administration nor the Congress succeeded in turning back the clock on this anachronism, although a few Republican congressmen tried. I suppose that's an argument for unlimited government wiretapping: they are 3% partners in every call and they have to look out for their investment.
Finally, finally, finally, relief has been granted, although from an unlikely quarter… the quarter you pop into the pay phone. Companies like Office Max and Hewlett Packard, who use enormous volume of phone time, brought suit. And the judiciary, in an admirable flash of judiciousness, agreed.
Not that the Feds did not resist. They used taxpayer dollars to keep fighting. (How do you like them onions? They can use your dollars to argue in court that they can take more. Take the quixotic dishonesty-qua-philanthropy of Robin Hood and merge it with the Sheriff of Nottingham's authoritarian blockheadedness; the miasmic stew that results should give you a clue.) After twelve - count 'em - court defeats, the Treasury Department has cried "Uncle." Maybe it's just my distorted version of patriotism, but I'd like to believe that that Uncle is none other than Sam.
There is a moral to this story, along with a morale boost. We, the plebeians who have the plebiscite, must keep fighting beyond Election Days. It's not enough to defeat our opponents, we have to provide for our friends a running voice of their conscience. Think of yourself as your congressperson's sponsor at Taxers-and-Spenders Anonymous. It's your job to save him or her from the temptation of the billions loose underfoot.
If the Republicans pay attention, they will avoid being vacuumed out of office. Like the other joke about the centenarian and the reporter. "Sir, to what do you attribute your longevity?" "To canceling my berth on the Titanic."
