JACK POSOBIEC: Is there anything Elizabeth Warren doesn’t want to micromanage?

The problem with communism is that it’s evil.

This almost doesn’t need to be said. Communism seeks to transform human nature, to make us “unhuman” (if I may coin a phrase). Its adherents are willing to commit torture and murder on an industrial scale in order to realize its impossible, utopian vision. It is, essentially, the equivalent of a slot machine which you feed human lives into in the hopes that you’ll hit the jackpot, even though the jackpot never comes.

But aside from its obvious evil, there’s another problem with communism: by necessity, it is viciously, unimaginably petty. And yes, this is a necessity. When the entire basis of your ideology is the government centrally planning who gets what resource, down to the last thumbtack, pettiness is the inevitable conclusion. Which may explain the existence of one Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-MA).

You see, in a week where a former president is on trial on bogus, kangaroo court charges, where Jewish students have to fear being stabbed in the eye by their lunatic Hamas-supporting peers, and where the Supreme Court is hearing multiple landmark cases on abortion and homelessness, the thing Elizabeth Warren wants to talk about is…the color of text bubbles on your phones.

No, I’m not making this up.

Now, reading that, you probably have some questions. Questions like, “huh?” Or, “what?!” Or other, similar options that probably include words that aren’t printable at Human Events. So let me explain: Warren is trying to push a law that will ban smartphone companies like Apple for “discriminating” against people who don’t own iPhones by changing the color of the text bubbles they send from blue (other Apple users) to green (everyone else). One can only imagine whether green text bubbles will be listed as a hateful slur requiring a “green text pass,” and “text equity” will be demanded thereafter.

Now, reading that, I imagine you still have questions, the foremost of which being, “Does Elizabeth Warren really have nothing better to do?” And here, the answer is – somehow -- more complicated than you might think.

Yes, from the perspective of the people of Massachusetts, who Warren is – at least theoretically – supposed to serve, she has many, many better things to do. You can probably even imagine a few of them, yourself.

But from the perspective of Elizabeth Warren’s donors? That’s more complicated. Because, you see, according to OpenSecrets, Elizabeth Warren’s second biggest donor, after Harvard University, is none other than Google. And for Google, which is to say, one of Apple’s competitors in the smartphone market, this “text bubble” issue is far bigger than it is for the average consumer.

Why? Because everyone knows that the market has decided that Apple’s iPhone is not only a superior product to the Android or (God forbid) the Pixel, but to add insult to injury, it’s actively (if only mildly) inconvenient for iPhone users to have to text people who are unfortunate enough to have bought Androids or Pixels. For iPhone users, those ugly green text bubbles make interacting with Google’s products, essentially, feel like slumming it. Hardly the reputation which Google’s blue-haired trust fund baby staff can tolerate.

And, because these are blue-haired trust fund babies we’re talking about, the response from Google has been eminently predictable: rather than make a better product which makes up for the slight inconvenience of their text bubbles being a slightly less pleasing color, they’ve instead gone crying to mommy government, complaining that Apple won’t share. That their complaints have found a receptive ear with a politician so schoolmarmish that even literal socialist Bernie supporters hated her when she ran for president is so unsurprising it’s almost poetic.

Which brings us back to the real point about Elizabeth Warren, which is far bigger than Google and its minor tiffs with Apple: namely, that Elizabeth Warren is petty. This should surprise no one. While she claims to support free enterprise, her idea of free enterprise is essentially capitalism in bubble wrap: that is to say, capitalism so regulated and stripped of any risk that it becomes socialism by another name. Warren calls this being pro-consumer, and claims that she’s just trying to stop businesses from lying to their customers. Which is ironic, considering that she lied about her heritage to her largest donor, Harvard University, when she was applying to law school there. Apparently, Harvard’s “rights” as a consumer didn’t apply to their ability to make an informed decision about Elizabeth “Pocahontas” Warren. In fact, come to think of it, no wonder she wants to change the color of text bubbles to obscure their origin; lying about color to obscure where you actually came from is literally why she is where she is.

Unfortunately, Elizabeth Warren is well within her rights to waste her time – and that of the Senate – with these kinds of quixotic, donor-driven crusades. But that doesn’t mean I won’t make fun of her for it. I will, and you should, too. We can’t have a serious country when members of the US Senate are obsessing over the color of their text bubbles, like everyone’s least favorite Boomer aunt. Or actually, maybe that’s too broad. Maybe we just can’t have a serious country while Elizabeth Warren is a member of the US Senate.  

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