With the effort to make Washington DC into the 51st state having stalled in the US Senate, dare I suggest that there is a better way to expand our republic than by adding a mid-size urban area filled with violent crime and parasitical bureaucrats. If we really want to expand, why not admit a state filled with food and energy resources?
Let’s make Ukraine the 51st State! We’ve already made the necessary financial commitment. The rest should be easy.
Since Russia launched their own bid to “make Ukraine a state again” back on February 24th of this year, the United States has committed $54 billion in funding to the nation that has such a great and long tradition of, well, at least its been around for a century or so. Anyway, our commitments during the first four months since Russia’s incursion work out to an annual spending rate of $162 billion. That’s more than 46 already-existing states receive in annual federal receipts. We know that a key part to being a successful state is to find ways to bring home the federal “bacon.” Seems like good ole’ Mitch McConnell could learn a few things from the comedian-turned politician-turned comedian President of Ukraine, Vladimir Zelensky.
Random Idea: What if we could get Ivan Franko National University of Lviv to join with USC and UCLA to become part of Big Ten football? That would leave that conference with an odd number of schools (17) which, when added to the new number of states, would total 68. I’m not sure that means anything, but it is worth contemplating.
Let’s take a look at Ukraine has to offer economically. After all, it can’t just be about us pouring money into the 51st state. They have to earn their fair share to help serve the general will. The GDP of Ukraine is $543.8 billion. Only 14 U.S. states have a higher GDP. This means that Ukraine would immediately find itself up among the elites of American states contributing to our economic output.
What do they produce to generate that GDP? Ukraine’s exports are mainly steel, coal, fuel and petroleum products, chemicals, machinery and transport equipment and grains like barley, corn and wheat. With regard to grains, Ukraine produces over 80 million metric tons of grain per year and accounts for six percent of the world’s calories. If the United States could harness that calorie output, imagine what it could do for reality shows like 1000-lb Sisters or Oprah’s favorite plus-size clothing chain, Torrid!
Capturing Ukraine’s output of grain is more strategic than simply wanting to assist in facilitating the “growth” of Americans. Imagine having access to additional bread and corn during the next pandemic. Woke, White liberals in posh suburbs would have a much easier time hoarding food supplies at the local grocery store.
If you are finding yourself fence-sitting on whether or not admitting Ukraine into our union is a good idea, then maybe this will persuade you. The Ukraine government and its large industries have long been some of the most corrupt anywhere in Europe, perhaps in the world. Their involvement in international scandals, cases of bribery and influence peddling are the stuff of legends. This puts them on par with more than a handful of already-existing American states. Picture a governors’ meeting where Zelensky, J.B Pritzker, and Kathy Hochul are seated on a three-person committee designed to oversee ethics in state politics. Together they can come up with ideas that people like you and I couldn’t imagine if we tried.
As a side note, imagine what we could do for Zelensky’s self-esteem if we gave him a public employees’ pension fund to oversee?
Admission of Ukraine could also serve to benefit the much-maligned, little understood, and perpetual victim of substance abuse and scorned mistresses, Hunter Biden. Right now, his options are limited as he is under investigation in every direction and dad’s just not there to help him ride his bicycle anymore. If Ukraine were to become a state, Hunter could easily run for one of its Senate seats (perhaps both if he could cut a deal) and would be the likely winner. He has great brand recognition in Ukraine owing to his involvement in prior scandals.
For this to work, Ukraine is going to have to make some adjustments. Their current color scheme for their flag is not good. Something embracing the colors of the rainbow would be nice. No more national anthem. Why? Duh. They would be a state not a nation. They would need an official state song, which I suggest should be John Lennon’s Give Peace a Chance. State bird? Easy! The Albatross.
Finally, admission of Ukraine to the union could create an opportunity for the massive infrastructure program Joe Biden so desperately wants. Picture a light rail transportation system reaching from our current mainland and across the ocean (both directions maybe?) into the heart of Ukraine. Joe Manchin might support such a plan because of Ukraine’s strong output of coal.
There is an added benefit in terms of our national security insofar as the CIA, with resources already stretched, would be able to abandon its efforts to promote mishigas in Ukraine and turn over all such corruption oversight management to the FBI which, as we know, has become quite masterful of such tactics over the past couple of years.
If we really want to help Ukraine, statehood is the answer. We have already done the hardest part which is to make them entirely dependent on handouts from our federal government. The rest is sort of a formality. Alaska? Hawaii? We’ve already proven we have range as a nation. It's time we expand to Europe and try to help the country that came in 44 out of 45 in the Heritage Foundation’s “Freedom Score” system.
Let’s see if making Ukraine a full-fledged member of the republic can’t help do for them all of the good it has done for Native Americans over the past 150 years or so. Quite melodically, all I am saying, is give Ukraine a chance.