Sen. Vitter Outed As Heterosexual: Heterophobia Feared

Washington was rocked — ROCKED — this week when it was revealed that Sen. David Vitter, a Louisiana Republican, is a practicing heterosexual.  The news came as part of a larger bombshell, as Vitter’s name was revealed to be on the client list of the so-called “D.C. Madam” (who is apparently not Nancy Pelosi, by the way, but a physical prostitute.)

Vitter, obviously unfamiliar with how to react when one’s sexual identity is made public, immediately apologized and foolishly focused on the paying-for-sex aspect of the whole affair.  He also used the word “sin,” which at the time that this column went to press, I was unable to find a definition for in my official media dictionary.

Contrast this to the way Congressman Barney Frank reacted when it was revealed that he was living with a male prostitute, who was running a gay escort service out of Frank’s home — when not having Frank try to influence his probation officer or having sex with Frank in the Congressional gym (or perhaps it was the page in the gym? — oh well, it’s so hard to keep our congressmen straight!).  When caught, Frank ignored the whole whore-mongering detail and focused instead on declaring his true sexual identity from the rooftops.  Once safely homosexual, Frank was immune to all other criticism for being a sugar daddy to a coin-operated boy-toy pimp with a felony conviction for “production of obscene items involving a juvenile.”  I also believe that had Frank had a private sector job, Human Resources might have wanted to talk to him for inappropriate use of a company thigh-master.

Frank was reelected for life as a sort of mascot for Massachusetts sensibilities and declared “courageous.”  Clearly, anyone who found Frank’s whoring a bit unbecoming of a public servant was a homophobic hater.

I would like to point out to Senator Vitter that the same opportunity exists for him now.  David, embrace your rampant and unabashed heterosexuality and become a shining example of heterosexual identity.  OUT OF THE BROTHEL AND INTO THE STREET!  Too long have heterosexual males been persecuted and criticized for who they are.  Dang it, you can’t control who you love, you can only negotiate a better rate.

After years of being told not to stare, not to make innuendos, not to make any particularly funny jokes at work, and to report to Human Resources for remedial Sensitivity Training and Sexual Harassment class, I’ve had enough.  I want a protected legal status for my “sexual identity”.  I want a bumper sticker.  I want a parade, and dammit, I want to pick out who gets to ride on my float according to my blatant personal “lookism.” 

There is just one word for the dark motivation behind Vitter’s outing and that is HETEROPHOBIA!  There I said it.  If this country wants to erase its lingering legacy of heterophobia, then I want heterosexual scandals to be treated with equal stupidity.  Vitter must be re-elected, cleansed, treated with kid gloves by the media, and if he has a lisp then no one must ever make fun of it –EVER– or else be called an ignorant heterophobe.  Also, Vitter should probably have a marine sanctuary named after him; and why doesn’t this man have a design show on “HGTV”?!

OK, that last joke was just gratuitous, but I’m on an indignant campaign to have my carnal instincts recognized as an important topic for public validation, approval, and celebration.  I have further demands: a return of “The Man Show”, the appointment of Leeann Tweeden to the Supreme Court (clearly a redesign of the robes will have to follow), and the reopening of all the recently closed New England “Hooters” restaurants (obvious victims of the culinary heterophobia of the northeastern elite).  And basically, I want to live like a budget Kennedy and be told I’m good.

Senator Vitter, stand up for who you are (other than being a whore chaser, I mean), and lead this movement.  Look into the camera and tell the world, “I am a Straight-American.”  Don’t give in to the pressure of the heterophobes — chief among which is Larry The Flynt, who when reached for comment while regenerating in a pit of slime aboard a hovering party ship on his home planet, had this to say, “Ow Argh… I tup myselp wi a tuna fish arghhhhhhhh….”

Flynt, publisher of Hustler (the trailer park behind Playboy’s Mansion) and all around great role model for children, claims to have been the one that outed Vitter in order to punish “hypocrisy.”  Flynt may just be jealous, however, since as a man without any morals or limits he can never be called a hypocrite himself, unless of course, he suddenly judged himself disgusting.

In fact, I’m a huge fan of hypocrisy, since the alternative is apparently a world without standards for anyone, lest someone risk being called a hypocrite.   Here is the difference between the average hypocrite and the average liberal: the hypocrite has the common courtesy to be embarrassed about what he does.  The liberal thinks what he does should be taught to your children at school.

So I dream of a world with a bit more public hypocrisy.

I’m not defending Vitter; I’m just making a few observations on things.  So don’t judge me, you heterophobic hypocrites.  Celebrate my diversity.