Ever since the language of the ???fiscal cliff??? was appropriated to describe the political battle over a tax increase, it???s become increasingly clear that every issue is a ???cliff??? now. Here are today???s snapshots from the edge???
** The Sequestration Terror begins: A massive death toll is expected as Americans struggle to survive under a dangerously low level of federal spending not seen since Spring 2010. Various signs of the Apocalypse have already been reported, including fiery cracks in the earth, the dead rising from their graves, swarms of locusts rolling through crowded streets to leave only skeletons in their wake, and bureaucrats briefly toying with the idea of skipping the second round of cocktails at their expense-account brunches. President Obama told stunned staffers that he might make do with one less luxury vacation this year, or furlough the standby White House movie theater projectionist, but fortunately he admitted he was only playing with them before anyone had to summon a paramedic.
Top officials are already drawing up plans to rebuild civilization after the sequester apocalypse passes, preparing simple laws for the survivors of the blasted wasteland to embrace, such as “Bust a deal, face the Wheel,” “Auntie runs Bartertown,” and “Federal spending must grow, forever.”
If you observe any supernatural phenomena that could be related to the Sequestration Terror, please notify the nearest big-spending Democrat immediately. Under no circumstances should you confront sequester-crazed cannibal gangs of subsidy-deprived cowboy poets on your own, especially if you’re armed with nothing but a rape whistle, vomit, or other feeble defensive weapons permitted under strict gun-control laws.
** The unbearable mental stress of austerity claims another victim: Sadly, Rep. Maxine Waters (D-CA) cracked under the stress of sequestration before those savage draconian cuts even went into effect, announcing at a press conference that the impending 2.3 percent reduction in the rate of growth in government spending would cause America to lose “over 170 million jobs.” There are currently only 140 million jobs in the entire U.S. economy, thanks to the tireless efforts of President Barack Obama, who began slashing America’s bloated private-sector workforce the moment he assumed office. Rep. Waters will be escorted to a quiet room where she can watch soothing presentations about all the trillions of dollars Uncle Sam is still spending, until she regains her senses. Unfortunately, a massive tax increase on job creators will be necessary to fund this therapy room. That’s what you get for inflicting such pain and suffering on your noble ruling class, America.
** Every Obama promise comes with an expiration date: Remember when Barack Obama had his big “evolution” on gay marriage last year, and said that whatever his personal beliefs might be, he was firmly convinced it was an issue each state had to decide for itself? Never mind. Now he wants the Supreme Court to force California to accept gay marriage… and all of the other 56 states, too. Using raw power to force other people to accept your beliefs is fun! And perfectly acceptable, provided you’re absolutely convinced you’re right about everything.
** Obama’s CIA nominee may get Hagel treatment over drone strikes: If you thought clear incompetence would be enough to keep Chuck Hagel out of the Defense Department, you don’t know how Washington works. That’s the last thing that’s ever going to scuttle a Presidential nomination, especially when the mainstream media (with one increasingly notable exception) really loves the President. But if the ACLU’s hackles go up, that’s a different story. And they’re joining a bipartisan group of Senators uneasy about CIA nominee John Brennan’s role in helping our Nobel Peace Prize-winning President draw up his secret drone-strike kill lists. The Administration is still sitting on most of the drone documents that Congress wants to see; if the papers are not produced soon, the Senate Intelligence Committee may postpone its Tuesday vote on Brennan. That would be “a pretty big signal this nomination is in trouble, largely over this issue,” opined Chris Anders, senior legislative counsel for the ACLU.
Also, Senate Republicans think Brennan was one of the mysterious individuals who mysteriously edited the Administration’s Benghazi talking points to make the murder of four Americans seem mysterious. It’s funny how we still don’t know exactly who did that, isn’t it? Nobody in this government knows what anybody else is doing… which is helpful, because when some obscure underling has to fall on his sword to protect the boss, he can use a toy plastic sword, and stroll right back into a plush government posting after the “I take responsibility” puppet show is over. Everyone has a good time, and nobody gets hurt. Except for the dead of Benghazi and Operation Fast and Furious, of course.
** Crime and punishment are so much simpler if you just punish the victims: Yesterday we had the story of a student forced to pledge allegiance to Mexico in an American school. How about a little more news from the education cliff?
Last January, on the 40th anniversary of Roe v. Wade, a group of pro-life students were given permission by DePaul University to set up a display memorializing aborted children with five hundred pink and blue flags. A group of thugs destroyed the display and threw the flags into trash cans.
The university acted quickly with sanctions and the threat of expulsion. No, not for the thugs, silly. For the victim. They’re talking about expelling Young Americans for Freedom chair Kristopher Del Campo, for daring to publish the names of the admitted vandals on the YAF website after the university gave him those names. Supposedly this was a “disorderly, violent, intimidating, or dangerous” act… unlike, say, rounding up a pack of brownshirts to trash a lawfully permitted display. Also, there was some “judicial process compliance” transgression on Del Campo’s part, which is a fancy bureaucratic way of saying “you didn’t shut up when we told you to.” The university even gave Del Campo what Young America’s Foundation president Ron Robinson described as a “Soviet-style show trial,” in which he was forbidden to have legal counsel.
Meanwhile, according to the Daily Caller, “it is unclear if the 13 students who vandalized the anti-abortion display have faced, or will ever face, any sort of punishment.” Freedom of expression would be so much simpler if certain people only used to express ideas that some central authority has declared everyone in agreement with.
** Mexican cartels use cannon to launch drugs across the border: Seriously, they’re really doing that. They load containers full of drugs into an air-powered cannon and fire them across the border, the Colorado River, and other porous barriers. The Border Patrol found thirty-three cans of marijuana punched into one field in Arizona after a drug cannon volley. Several such cannon have been seized by American authorities, while the Mexican police captured a catapult. No word yet on whether this artillery was provided to the cartels by the U.S. Department of Justice as part of Operation Fast and Furious.
** Obama picks another “green energy” loser: You can kiss another $200 million in taxpayer loans and incentives goodbye, as Solopower of Oregon announced big layoffs, only half a year after beginning production of the solar panels nobody wants. “A glut of solar panels has caused prices to crash and forced dozens of manufacturers to either file for bankruptcies, idle production lines, or scratch new factory plans,” Forbes reported glumly. Don’t jump to any conclusions about the impossibility of conjuring phony “markets” into existence by giving blinkered ideologues gigantic bags of taxpayer cash to burn, because President Obama says the only problem is that he hasn’t thrown enough of your money at the situation yet. Oh, and if we don’t give him another round of huge tax increases, he’ll have to cut spending by two percent, and your house will probably burn down, because the government won’t be able to afford firemen.
** Great white sharks are now an endangered species: Environmentalists lobbied for legal protection because there are only about 340 great white sharks left off the coast of California. Everyone else responded to this news by saying, “Oh my dear God, there are THREE HUNDRED AND FORTY GREAT WHITE SHARKS off the coast of California? I’m never going in the water again!” The next sequel to Jaws will feature the shark as the terrified victim, hunted by greedy corporate shark slayers working for… oh, I don’t know, let’s say Halliburton, with Dick Cheney in the Robert Shaw role. Remind the big ingrates that we made them a protected species, the next time one of them tries to eat you.