Hey Modern Caveman, Where's Your Club?


Ok, I get it. Most of us are not anthropologists and have probably not spent a lifetime studying the Paleolithic era, the geologic time frame when it is pretty much agreed upon by the so-called “experts” that Cro-Magnon man, more affectionately known as cavemen, roamed the earth. (Sorry all you PC types but I’ll lump the female Neanderthals right in there with the caveman moniker)

Now, I don’t take too much stock in the things these scientists tell us anyway, I mean I grew up believing that Pluto was the ninth planet, at least that’s what I was taught from kindergarten through college by a bunch of science teachers who apparently believed the same thing. Imagine my surprise when decades later some group of “experts” who call themselves The International Astronomical Union decided that Pluto somehow stopped being a planet a couple of years ago and that its orbit around the sun no longer count, leaving us with only eight planets. 

 Oh well, let’s get back to cavemen.  

We have fossil records proving that early man created tools from stone some 2.6 million years ago during the Paleolithic era (at least according to Wikipedia).  Okay I’ll buy that, I mean we certainly wouldn’t have gotten where we are today were it not for early man being smarter than other animals, right?  Therefore it’s probably not a stretch to assume that one of the most important tools Mr. Caveman would have created would be some kind of a weapon.  Is there anyone out there who doesn’t share the iconic image of a caveman wearing a loincloth of some sorts with a club or a spear (or both) slung over his shoulder like a prehistoric Uncle Ted Nugent?

Although Hollywood has done a great job of portraying the caveman exiting his cave to do battle with gigantic and bizarre creatures otherwise known as dinosaurs, the fact of the matter is that to the best of our knowledge, man did not share time and space with the dinosaurs.  In fact it is estimated that man and prehistoric beast are separated by as much as 65 million years, however that does not change the fact that early cave dwellers needed protection from the elements, critters, a means to hunt and dare I say, protection from other unruly cavemen who may have lived beyond the molten lava and across the ridge on the other side of the…volcano.

Yes, it is hard to imagine early man venturing outside the cave without his club so what makes us any different today?  (It’s right about now that the gun haters and usual suspects will begin screeching nonsense that we “shop in grocery stores” and no longer need to “kill our own food”, that we “have police to protect us” and we no longer need to carry a defensive tool because modern day clubs have no place in a “modern, civilized society”).  To them, it is only during our short lifetimes that man has magically evolved to the point that we no longer need to defend ourselves from ourselves.  Of course most of us know that violent criminals and evil never really paid attention during class and tend not to live in that dopey world of  “can’t we all just get along”, modern day chicanery.

I would go further and venture to say that the caveman thought he lived a pretty typical “modern” lifestyle too, with his cool new stone hammers and spear tips.  Considering their frame of reference I would bet that everyone who has lived during all subsequent eras since has thought of himself as living in “modern society”” and considered it “modern” behavior to posses such defensive tools, as the caveman did.

Granted, I’m probably not the right guy to ask about what makes gun-haters tick but somehow it’s really tough for me to imagine there was ever a group of cavemen who called themselves “The Caveman Campaign to Stop Club Violence,” “The Club Violence Policy Center” or “Club Control, Inc.”  No, I would bet hard-earned money that any caveman who was stupid enough to exit the cave without his club and backup spear was probably chased out of that cave entrance by a good cavewoman who promptly handed them to him while yelling something like “Ugh ew ugh ew ew ugh!” which translated into “Here Silly, you forgot these!”

See, the caveman got it right as evidenced by the fact that we are here today, and as “modern”, “civilized” people we would do well to remember a few things. We might want to consider that we share the same DNA as our cave ancestors, that same DNA that drives us to seek shelter and food and like all living creatures, provides us with the will to survive when threatened. The caveman understood completely that his modern world was not a safe place hence why the first tools created by prehistoric man were weapons.

Like the caveman, you understand that our “modern” society has simply bred new modern threats.  You understand like the caveman did that those threats can come from anywhere at anytime, and like the caveman, you need to be prepared which begs the question, why on earth would you venture outside empty-handed?

When you exited your cave today, did you carry your club? 

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Mark Walters is the nationally syndicated talk radio host of Armed American Radio, Concealed Carry Magazine Columnist-The Ordinary Guy and Co-Author of the highly acclaimed book, Lessons from Armed America. Mark encourages listener’s and readers to email him at