Senator Joe Braden
Russell Senate Office Building
Dear Senator Braden,
(What? Biden? Really? OK)
Dear Senator Biden,
It's come to my attention that you may be the Democratic nominee for Vice President of the United States. If so, congratulations. I hope to hear more of you.
However, if these scattered reports are true, you may need some help in running against Hurricane Sarah. She's pretty, colorful, tough, and can probably beat you or Barack at arm wrestling. (As a first piece of advice, let me just suggest you don’t challenge her to a game of “horse”. She can spot you ten points and still kick your butt.)
Just look at the evidence to date: In August a survey by Democracy Corps, a Democratic firm no less, found Obama had a 16 point led among those asked who would bring about the right kind of change in Washington. Then you and Palin are picked and that margin is down to 6 points. (Joe, c’mon, babe. You’re barely on the ticket and you’re dragging the man down. And getting about as much air time as Ron Paul. Gotta step it up, fella.)
A CBS news poll finds McCain supporters who're enthusiastic about him are up 18 points after the Palin pick. For Democrats, it's 5% more enthusiasm since you were reportedly picked. CBS finds 85% of McCain backers pleased with the selection of Palin, 20 points higher than Obama supporters pleased with you. Hmm. And from the same poll, 46% of independents have a favorable view of Palin compared with 31% for you.
Then there's the Project for Excellence in Journalism, whose early September survey of news stories in which a candidate was "a significant or dominant factor" in political news stories, found Palin at 60%, McCain at 52%, Obama at 22% (his low since he started running), and you? You were a significant or dominant factor in exactly 2% of political news stories for the first week of September. Joe, buddy, stealth is only a positive attribute for bombers and submarines, not for candidates.
And what was with that comment you made September 10th? And I quote, "Hillary Clinton is as qualified or more qualified than I am to be vice president of the United States". This is no time for false modesty. OK, or for genuine modesty either. Nobody expects you to win this thing single-handedly, Senator. Arguably, no running mate has done that since Lyndon Johnson in 1960 (I know. I know. Palin may well do it in 2008). But you are expected to hold up your end, with confidence and a little pizazz. You know - like your opponent.
First, you need to get set for that one-on-one, October second, at Washington University in St. Louis, when you and Palin go mano e womano while being questioned by Gwen Ifill. First, don't panic about being the only person on stage who can write his name in the snow. For one thing, that may not be true. For another, Ifill is considered a solid, fair reporter, at least compared to Olbermann and Matthews. She’ll do what she can to help, but you’re gonna have to take on Sarah pretty much alone. And there are cautionary tales to be considered regarding this head to head with a woman.
Go back to the 1984 vice presidential debate, when George H.W. Bush took on the only other female major party running mate, New York Congresswoman Geraldine Ferraro. At one point Bush tried to explain some finer point of foreign policy to Ferraro, who erupted with what she swears to this day wasn't scripted, "Don't patronize me". Had this been 4 years earlier and Bush against Mondale, it's hard to imagine Mondale using that line. And if he had, it's hard to imagine the resulting furor. There's no getting around the fact that the line worked for Ferraro precisely because she was a woman.
And Bush the elder's platinum-plated foreign policy resume (CIA Director, UN ambassador, ambassador to China) didn't make any difference. He was trying to explain something to a woman and he might as well have suggested that Gerry go get barefoot and pregnant. If you’re seen as condescending to Palin, Hillary Clinton may punch you in the nose. And, speaking of Hillary:
Then there's the 2000 New York senate race and the first of 3 debates between Hillary Clinton and her republican opponent, Rick Lazio. Earlier in the campaign Clinton had said she was against soft-money campaign contributions, so in this debate, Lazio decided to call her on it and challenge her to sign a no soft-money campaign pledge then and there:
LAZIO: Well, it's right here. It's right here.
CLINTON: When you give me...
LAZIO: Sign it right now.
CLINTON: Well, we'll shake on this, Rick.
LAZIO: No, I want your signature, because I think that everybody wants to see you signing something that you said you were for.
OK, you may ask, what was the big deal about that? It was a little showboating, perhaps, but something Clinton had more or less asked for. Well, the big deal was that, as Lazio made the challenge, he WALKED OVER TO CLINTON. (Oh no! The brute! Was he going to slug her with his Y chromosome?)
See what I'm getting at, Senator Biden? It's not enough to be on logically, rationally firm ground. Although we're talking about equality for women, and goodness knows we're talking about women who can take care of themselves, the fact remains that we have a bit of a double standard going here. Payback, perhaps, for all the double standards which run the other way, but no less unfair. You're going to have to knock Palin's block off WITHOUT LAYING A GLOVE ON HER. You figure it out.
Here’s my Top Ten suggestions on how to beat Sarah Palin in the October 2 debate:
10. Instead of a suit coat, dress shirt, and tie, wear a shirt with the words Joe Biden across the front. But don't make it a muscle shirt.
9. you need to practice breathing steadily; contrary to Senate rules, it is possible to breathe and not speak at the same time. Practice, pal, practice;
8. Forget bringing up the Bush doctrine. I think she's ready for that one.
7. Don’t have hair plug surgery between now and the debate. Bald is better than bandaged;
6. Bring a Delaware State Trooper with you. Who knows, maybe the Smokey Bear hat will remind her of her ex-brother-in-law and freak her out.
5. Demonstrate your manhood by actually applying lipstick to a pit bull.
4. Anonymously send her the collected speeches of Margaret Thatcher. Maybe she'll be tempted to plagiarize them.
3. If she’s taller than you are, ask for a small box to stand on. You can’t ask her to put her hair down, even if you think it’ll be sexier.
2.Keep your hands where she can see them, or you could be injured.
1. If she makes you cry, don’t let the audience see.
