It’s time to consider the nuclear option in Iraq. Not the big nasty bomb, of course, but a hellish strike nonetheless — one capable of destroying an entire nation. It’s time we dropped liberalism on our enemies!
In our war against Islamic Fundamentalism, what we are really trying to do is destroy a traditional culture rooted in religion, while simultaneously reshaping it to better suit post-modern Western society. And, Heck, we know how to do that; we just finished doing that here in America. Now that I think about it, I can’t believe the Iraq war has lasted more than 6 weeks, since we are on very familiar ground here.
Mind you, I do not mean to imply that all moralities, traditions, and religions are equivalent — but then I don’t have to, since liberals have already decided that for me. However, if what we want to do is socially engineer a less judgmental, more self-oriented and secular culture, then I think we have to admit that we went with the wrong team in Bush and the neoconservatives. This is lefty territory, pure and simple. So let History — or “Herstory” — be our guide here and enact the following proposals immediately:
1) Put the NEA in charge of Iraq’s school system — forthwith. I believe the children are the future, and I see no reason why foreign futures should be any brighter than ours. Retrained according to the Public School model, Iraqi youths will know how to make a Navajo dreamcatcher this “Holiday Season” but will have no idea how to properly wire up a roadside bomb. Saddam Who-sein, you say? You can’t live in the past if no one teaches it. February is Zoroastrian History Month!
2) Create an Iraqi Civil Liberties Union by this next Ramadan??¢â???¬ ¦ uh, I mean “Autumn Festival”. Let the ICLU do for Iraq what the ACLU has done for America! I’m sure the first time an ICLU lawyer strolls into Baghdad District Court to have “Allah” removed from, well, everything, get Kurds bussed into Arab schools, or have Saddam Hussein released on a technicality, he will be welcomed as the tireless public advocate he truly is. But to insure this??¢â???¬ ¦
3) Parachute the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals into Fallujah — and throw in four of our Supreme Court Justices as back-up. The whole world seems to fall under their jurisdiction anyway, so why not make it official. We could fly them to an airport, but if we parachute ’em in, we’ll finally know what they wear under those robes.
4) Give away free satellite TV for the whole Middle East. Why should the true meaning of life — consumption, intoxication, sex, and self-pity — be broadcast only to the West? Forget Napalm, these people need their MTV.
5) Drop Michael Moore on Iraq. OK, this one is really for me. Although??¢â???¬ ¦ the time taken to purify a Holy Warrior after exposure to that much pork fat is probably lengthy enough to halt the insurgency for at least a week.
6) Porn, porn, porn. Why take a chance on 72 virgins in paradise when you have 72 channels of smut right here? When inspiring people to forget tradition and common cause, it never hurts to corrupt the basic relationship between man and woman while revving up the libido. Iraq needs a “Me” generation. Larry Flynt, get out your Red, White, and Blue Diaper — your country needs you.
7) Start “The Liberal Corps” to gather up a bunch of do-gooder volunteers to help Iraq down the path to modernity. Recruiting poster: “Islamic Fundamentalism — It’s everything you like to pretend Christianity might become.” Remember: either we send liberals there or else they try to “help” us here.
8) Al-Roe vs. El-Wade. Stop suicide bombers in the womb.
9) Drop Michael Moore on Iraq??¢â???¬ ¦Oh wait, got that one already.
Well, you get the idea. All this may not turn Iraq into Berkley overnight, but it should at least get them close to Madison. One should always use the right tool for the job, and leftists can be fine tools indeed. And if this doesn’t work, we can always go back to bombing stuff.
See, foreign policy ain’t so hard.