When does a movement devolve into farce? Is it when it becomes so subsumed in its ideology’s insularity that it cannot realize it has become, in fact, the inane, injurious laughing stock its opponents have long averred? Does it happen when, say, the movement’s cultists spend vast resources – and precious seconds of their finite time on earth – assessing the ideological implications of candy?
I’m guessing… Yes. Aligning your ideological tenets to a piece of candy is “daft as a badger.” [Hat tip to the late George MacDonald Fraser.]
While this may sound farfetched, the case of the curse of the Inclusive Candyperson is more evidence the Progressivism is less a movement than a dysfunctional death cult rife with self-satire. Make no mistake, these cultists remain bent upon radically transforming America into a totalitarian hellscape of socialist scarcity and repression. But one must ever remember the regressive Progressives, though earnest narcissists, are deeply unserious people.
To wit: the Inclusive Candyperson.
As reported by Breitbart’s Simon Kent:
Evidently, purple M&M’s were part of the original candy’s ensemble offering, but were later scrapped for tan ones. But the demands of equity could not be refused, and tan M&M’s were denounced for their presumed privilege and replaced by blue ones. With the intersectionality sweepstakes in full swing, ultimately purple M&M’s were restored to their rightful place within our still unjust world – and right in time to melt during the climate apocalypse.
Am I doing this right? I hope so, because it’s better to be a cog in their virtue signaling machine than a fly in the fascist ointment – or something like that. After all, as Breitbart reported back in January, the return of the purple M&M is part of the corporation’s attempt to meet its
“‘[G]lobal commitment to creating a world where everyone feels they belong, and society is inclusive’ with the changes to its advertising characters for a ‘more dynamic, progressive world.’"
“‘M&M’S branding will also reflect an updated tone of voice that is more inclusive, welcoming, and unifying, while remaining rooted in our signature jester wit and humor.’ Mars added that it is hoping to improve the ‘sense of belonging for 10 million people around the world by 2025.’”
Some might contend Mars Wrigley should help improve tooth decay and type 2 diabetes for 10 million people around the world by 2025. But, again, I digress….
Given the vicissitudes of “inclusivity,” there is an ineluctable exclusion – the green “sexy girl” M&M. Despite some candy cadres’ call for her to be reeducated, she will be sent down the memory hole and replaced by a piece of candy with a “more nuanced personality.” This comes at the very time the green “sexy girl” M&M was apparently beginning to transcend her constricting heteronormative sexuality. Alas, one must break an M&M to make an omelet.....
Wait! What is this? The advent of new, woke purple M&M be heralded with a song and video?
Mars says the musical debut entitled, “I’m Just Gonna Be Me” features saxophonist Grace Kelly, dance and choreography masters Devin Santiago and Colo Cag, opera singer Anthony Roth Costanzo, and “special appearances by the rest of the M&M’S crew including Red, Yellow, Orange, Brown, Blue and Green.”
Does anyone else get the sense campaign by Mars Wrigley may be about something more than being “inclusive, welcoming, and unifying”? Could it really be about – gasp! – crassly exploiting progressive ideology to bolster its brand and profits by roping the woke into eating more M&Ms? Goddess Gaia, forfend!
So, my door knocking, cosplaying fiends, best keep your heads. For when a major corporation impales itself by pimping puerile progressive ideology and skewers itself on the deviled horns of self-satire, thus comes the curse of the Inclusive Candyperson!
A Human Events contributor, the Hon. Thaddeus G. McCotter (M.C., Ret.) represented Michigan’s 11th Congressional district from 2003-2012, and served as Chair of the Republican House Policy Committee. Not a lobbyist, he is a frequent public speaker and moderator for public policy seminars; and a Monday co-host of the "John Batchelor Radio Show," among sundry media appearances.