In a city of ugly, overworked people with too much education and all-navy wardrobes … the pretty ones like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie create quite a splash. Fluttering among the pasty federal proles this week, the glam celeb superduo made the rounds at the White House like near-royalty. They were in town to premiere her new film, In the Land of Blood and Honey, their every move watched with tabloidesque scrutiny. Dining habits at Charlie Palmer Steak? People magazine reports that the cinematic couple chose the ever-so-economical three-course pre-fix, with Brad downing the steak AND dessert, and ever-so-thin Angie picking the chicken but eschewing the sweets. Yes, they both had salads. In an interview with the Daily Caller on the red carpet, Ange did her best diplomat impersonation EVAH, walking the bipartisan line like a Capitol Hill pro. On Obama: “There are many, many things I think have gone in a wonderful direction, and there are a few things I am disappointed in,” she danced. “And I don’t feel like tonight is the night to clarify, but there are many wonderful things that have moved forward and of course some other things that are very frustrating.” Like? C’mon sister. Drop us normal body-weight folk a few crumbs. Q: “Are you even registered to vote?” First journo to investigate this gets ... Angie’s dessert. Or something.
Cue music to “The Age of Aquarius.” “And in the sky, over the Upper East Side, three wise men—Simon Cowell, Jimmy Jam and Clive Davis—saw the star. And they followed it to the shoe salon of Bergdorf’s. There they offered precious gifts from Gucci, Louis Vuitton and Jacob the Jeweler to the rap-rock child, who shall be called Baby Bee, Hovah Gurl and other hip-hop monikers of love. And the infant recorded first-take cries of joy for a new song, which was bounced all over the airways, where it quickly became a hit. And it was so.” Kanye 3:16 #mazeltovcarterfam.
Starbucks, our most-hated brand ever, marketing a new, milder coffee called “Blonde” roast. AS IF. #priceybadjava. #mcdonaldscoffee4evah.
Holy news blast from the past: Jessica Lynch, 'memba her? Former war POW, object of great press scrutiny. All grown up, looking glam, bantering with Piers Morgan like a TV pro. Great to see her doing well. She’s gorgeous.
Why did media outlets cover Todd Palin’s presidential endorsement like it was news? He’s a cute guy and seems like a nice dude, but for whom does HE serve as political thought leader? Sarah, yes. Him? Absurd. Even God’s quarterback Tim Tebow declined to make a public presidential pick, ostensibly because he knows no one should care who he wants in the Oval. On a side note: Is it just us, or has Sarah’s TV hair been looking too much like Miss Kitty from "Gunsmoke"? Or mebbe Snooki’s highly verbal stepmom from Jersey, circa 1987? Make-under, Line 1.
Speaking of coiffures: Mittens should just go ahead and cover up that gray shock at his temples. It does nothing for him, and it’s starting to distract. It is. Plus, we can’t have a President looking like the grandfather of Eddie Munster. A box of L’Oreal from CVS is less than $10.
You join the greatest fighting force in the world. You serve with honor. You wear the uniform. Then one day, you decide to take a whiz on some poor Taliban you just killed? And if that wasn’t enough … then shoot video of your shameless and career-ending prank? #courtsmartial. #notworthyofUSMC. #semperfistupid.
Speaking of lunacy: Everyone loves a good Russian mob story, right? The Hangover 3—here's the plot.
Dialing St. Elizabeth’s. Even in the cult of personality-fame spiral, this one is just plain creepy, mental and weird—and a real affront to Twinkies.
And while we are discussing mental health: Why did former Gov. Haley Barbour, respected by many in his party and with a long career in politics, do an 11th-hour pardon for 200 inmates in Mississippi? Compassion is one thing—and some folks certainly deserve mercy—but we think this act is a real wing-ding, a governmental train wreck. Already it’s under siege by the courts, both legal and public opinion, and authorities are searching for the freed inmates. We just don’t get it. Ring us up if you have an answer here that’s better than “obstructed carotid artery.”
Casey Anthony, living underground and away from the media glare, now owns a new puppy and a computer, where her posted video diary entries have reportedly been “leaked” to the press. How she is paying for such items and amenities is unclear. In her first vlog, Casey is now a blonde, chatting for the web cam about her new nose piercing. In the second, she’s back to her old shade and still as vacuous. Hard to believe that it isn’t someone in her own camp—probably on the money-take—posting these things online to test the publicity waters. Will she ever be able to live on her own, or will she be in danger forever? Certainly she must be at work on a book, because her job possibilities seem weak. Hustler cover? Reality show? Might we suggest an online degree program of some sort. Stay tuned. The drama here is unlikely to end soon.
The Po-Po. Some people don’t want them until they really, really need them.
Are Mormons milk-fed? Does Huntsman have the charisma of igneous rock? Someone funny says yes. (We will miss you, quirky New Hampshire. Florida, even with those flying roaches with their own zip codes, is just not the same). Moderate-extremes.
