Man oh man … it’s a little more than a month until Valentine’s Day and already the gangstas of love are knocking on Hollywood’s doors. Let’s break it down, for you sentimental types.
The delightful Drew Barrymore—smaller and smarter in person, we might add—is set to hit the aisle for the third time with new fiancé Wil Kopelman. We are a mayjuh Drew fan, and this new dude looks to be her cutest and future best husband yet. He’s an art guy, not a Hollywood guy, and we propose that it’s a good thing. Mazel tov, kids.
In other couples news, Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel are also getting hitched. This according to JT’s ever-so-Southern grandmamma, who spilled the beans to a producer from the Wendy Williams show in advance of the A-list couple’s engagement confirmation. In addition to bringing sexy back, we hope young Justin will also bring back the committed, monogamous celeb marriage. Too few of those. Also on tap to tie the knot: Queen of Soul Aretha Franklin, who says she will marry her longtime friend and commoner Willie Wilkerson, a former firefighter. Aw … one of the biggest stars in the world, and she picks a local boy who she says loves her the most. After a health scare and 85-pound weight loss, national treasure Aretha deserves some big and real love. And at 69, she wants Vera Wang to do the dress. SO CUTE! Every bride deserves to be fabulous.
Dear LeAnn Rimes: Yes, you’ve got a fabulous, sculpted, smashing body. And so does your hubby. But do you have to get near-naked on the beach 24/7, posing for paparazzi every third day in some staged, “Look at me, I’m hot” photo op? This is starting to feel a lot contrived, the bikinis, the copious PDAs. It looks nearly insecure, honey. It does. And it’s far beneath your stature as an A-list country-pop star. How bout a halter and some shorts? We’d feel better about it all if you covered up some. We would.
Let’s do the public breakup math: J-Lo, after splitting with Marc Anthony, hits the South Beach clubs with her 24-year-old backup dancer boyfriend. Quickly, her diminutive ex shows up in the news with his own new girly toy, a 24-year-old Venezuelan model. Shocking. The model looks like his onetime wife, former Miss Universe and Puerto Rico native Dayanara Torres, whom Anthony left to be with Jenny from the Block. La Lopez, we think, has congenital bad taste in men. Marc … let us just say that he’s an amazing performer.
Sure, he’s got strippers in cages, bottles of Jim Beam blazing and is covered with some cash-money tattoos. But our unapologetic all-American badass Kid Rock is a good and patriotic soul too. Unlike other star rock 'n' roll whiners, protecting their hits from political prostitution—and threatening legal in the process—Rock told GOP presidential contender Mitt Romney, another Michigan native, to go right on and help himself to the song “Born Free,” now being used as campaign music. Writing in his blog, Rock said Mittens and “anyone else who wants to use my song does not need my permission. I said he could use it, and I would say the same for any other candidate. I have to have a little faith that every candidate feels like he or she can help this country.” Bravo sir. Ain’t no party like a Detroit party cause a Detroit party don’t stop.
Former talk show giant Phil Donahue appeared on Piers Morgan’s CNN chat show. And you know what? That Phil still makes truly watchable TV. Maybe you might not agree with his politics, but he’s a helluva lot more interesting than some of the paid talking heads blathering during this election cycle, a cavalcade of publicity-seeking bimbos and himbos who are, as one of our fave authors, William McKeen, might opine, "arrogant without portfolio." Mark Sanford, cheater South Carolina governor, is now a Fox News contributor? Oy. He’s like watching a very Southern test pattern—zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Who thought this was a good idea? Are they really PAYING that guy?
Irresistible. The Lion King Rises. You’ll dig this mash-up vid.
Don’t any of you lunatic D.C. types go out and buy those sweater vests that surprise GOP presidential player Rick Santorum keeps sporting. They’re HIS schtick, but hardly fitting for anyone who doesn’t want a “Douche Bag” sign taped to his K Street cubicle. Vests flatter no man, but they have added a little sartorial geek chic for the “I’m the most conservative” candidate. By the way, how did the Rickster get such a smokin’ wife? Lovely. She seems to like him, too.
Feeling better about our new military policy? Fewer troops, a safer world? Us, too. “Hello, pharmacy, line 1? The new valium prescription is ready? Oh, good.”
As the stomach turns: She’s back. With bad blonde hair color, heinous glasses, and a message for the world. Yep, you knew Florida trial vixen Casey Anthony could not stay on the down-low for too long. In a first of what she warns will be several video diaries, the much-hated mom, who escaped a guilty verdict in the death of her toddler, Caylee, vlogs about her new life—“extremely excited”—from an undisclosed location, with a new computer and puppy, no less. View the carnage here.
