Best media line of the week: “Get your asses back here! Get out of the sun and into the frying pan. You’ll win points by not letting a short, French dude show you up.” Neil Cavuto to a vacationing Obama and to the many Washington-fleeing members of a recessed Congress as the nation’s financial crisis continues its meltdown.
Casting call: Who would you pick to star in Bin Laden: The Movie, which the greedykins in Hollywood are now pimping? A swaggering Tommy Lee Jones, as the salty yet erudite evildoer-bashing, Seal Team VI commander? Or Grandpa Commando Bruce Willis goin' all yippiekyyiyay-mofo on the bearded terrorist mastermind? If you say Matt Damon or Tom Cruise, the flying monkeys here at the H&S news lair are gonna send something rotten to your mailbox, so think smart and think big. We look forward to hearing your ideas. Don’t hold back. And no. NOT Charlie Sheen, much as we love Tiger Blood and winning.
Dear Megyn Kelly: We heart your post-baby, new momma, fresh-it-up hairdo. It’s cute but works on you because you have an edge. It won’t work on a lot of news bimbo types, but those curls certainly work on you.
Half of the press corps is crunching through the Iowa cornfields this week in advance of the Iowa straw poll. Triptik advice: break away from the pack for a drive to Dyersville. There you’ll find the Field of Dreams “If you build it, they will come” ballfield and farmhouse. Nope, not a movie set. We can’t guarantee you Shoeless Joe Jackson, but if you’d like to run the bases, we bet they’d let ya. Kevin Costner not included.
Speaking of straw polling. While we are no image consultant, we do offer this totally free piece of advice. Americans are down, scared, dejected. You’re a presidential candidate who wants to energize the masses? Show 'em two things: major cajones and passion. The power of perception is everything, and even more important now. It’s not enough to run on your record and out-wonk your competitors. You gotta flash passion and muster some anger that says we all here have some fight left—on our shores and in the world. Please make a note of it.
Vacation plans? As a blond chick, we’re thinking Aruba is definitely out. The chamber of commerce there cannot be thrilled about this latest girl gone missing.
Speaking of movies and wackos: A remake of Dirty Dancing? Shut yo mouth! Nobody puts baby in the corner—or successfully redoes a romantical classic like that.
We’re a mere week away from the Kardashian wedding. Are your face-lift and lipo scars healed? Speaking of those girls—Kourtney, Kim and Khloe, a dangerous trio, have now penned a work of fiction with a title, Dollhouse, picked out by one of their millions of Twitter fans. Will we buy it? No. Will we sit in the café at Barnes & Noble with a titanic latte, skimming? Absolutely. #badfictionwhore #closetfan
Settle down and lay off the Xanax: J-Lo will be back to judge "American Idol," along with regular Dawg Randy and newly beloved kookshow Steven Tyler. We love a man whose hair is better and often bigger than ours. He’s got a bio on the shelves too, BTW—just a little catnip for all you deeply literary types.
Attention college parents: HIDE YOUR COEDS. Lock the ivy in the league. Alec Baldwin, crack politico wannabe and "SNL" denizen, is heading back to university to finish a master’s degree in politics and government. This is good news for those fearing the master thespian might make a star-turn run for mayor of New York City, a place with bigger policy problems than Baldwin’s ego.
He told the New York Times that he’s returning to school (no word on where yet) to learn more about issues—city finance, governance—in advance of any political run he might make. We had hoped he might study up on those before talking about them so profusely, but like many celebrity windbags out there, he’s put the intellectual cart, so to speak, before the horse. We do salute his seriousness now, tho. Some higher education is always good. A lot of opinonated Hollywooders dabbling in the political realm could use some.
Fans should note that Mr. Baldwin, an NYU alumnus and committed Upper West Sider, will open the new season of "SNL" this fall, earning the title of celeb who has hosted the show the most. Also on tap as hostess this season: Melissa McCarthy, whose scene-stealing turn in the summer hit Bridesmaids has won her broader acclaim as a wit we can’t forget. “Feel that steam heat?” We’ve not been able to get out of our head the scenes where she outs (and later beds) a closet-kinky U.S air marshal.
Seen celebupundit Perez Hilton lately? The nattering nabob of Tinseltown foibles is a slimmed-down and buffed-up Adonis. His trainer deserves a workout video, and the Perezster, an endorsement for a hot gym or eating program. What a transformation!
Does Jennifer Aniston’s new boyfriend sort of look like a hipster version of Count Chocula? That shoe polish hair and wicked peak of hairline certainly look a little Drac. Here’s hoping those two kids are happy.
And finally: We were driving around running errands, searching for the perfect rosé to take the edge off our sinking 401K when we saw a Prius with a bumper sticker that read: Books Not Bombs. That kind of whine made us want to run the driver off the road, turn off her no-doubt blaring NPR, throw her in our trunk and ship her to a Taliban-held region of Afghanistan, COD. Then she could see firsthand how her weezer diplomatic strategy probably just ain’t gonna work. How about this. Bombs then Books. Hawk this, funseekers.
