It’s that joyous time of the year again. The chestnuts are roasting, the tree is tinseled and lit, and you’re trying to figure out how to seat 10 people at a dining room table made for seven.
That’s right, it’s Christmas. In the spirit of giving, I thought I’d share my “Top Ten Christmas Gifts for Barack Obama”:
(10) A hand-made map of the 57 states he claimed to have visited. That’s right, Mr. President. We’ve added an additional seven states just for you!
(9) A brand-spankin’-new TelePrompTer. Yes, I know. Our president has plenty of those already. But this one has an added bonus. If and when it temporarily malfunctions — leaving our president alone and confused – an automated internal voice will shout “It’s Bush’s fault!” until the problem is self-rectified.
(8) A one-year supply of tea. An assortment of pastries and candy for Michelle are included free, a gift from the “Leave It up to the Parents” club.
(7) An “I Heart Fox News” T-shirt, autographed by Obama’s favorite host, Mr. Sean Hannity!
(6) A “Spend within Your Means” handbook. Includes a free-market tutorial with Stuart Varney, a DVD of “The Best of Milton Friedman,” and a stack of Monopoly money for when the anti-spending blues get our president down.
(5) Some “veto” pens. I know that Obama is likely gearing up for some serious veto action once the new Congress rolls in. President Obama, get your wrist ready for a workout with three brand new boxes of high-quality pens! (Invisible ink cartridges pre-loaded. America’s satisfaction guaranteed.)
(4) His very own Obamacare waiver. He may be exempt already, but now our president can spread Christmas cheer by offering this deep sigh of relief to a friend or fan of his choosing. (I would’ve snatched it myself, but this one says “union members only.”)
(3) A handy packet of definitions for those golfing breaks. Sample terms include unfunded, illegal, capitalism, terrorist, liberty and broke.
(2) A copy of my Columbia University transcript. Mr. President – I show you mine, you show me yours?
And now, the No. 1 gift for our president this year …
(1) A brand new presidential podium, equipped with a “Paging Bill Clinton” buzzer. That’s right, President Obama. When the tough policy questions arrive, all you have to do is smack the button to the right of your microphone and Slick Willie will be summoned to the White House press room. You’ll be off to that party in no time!
So, there you have it. Merry Christmas, President Obama! And to my fellow conservatives – hold on to that merriness because the new Congress is almost here!
Sign up to the Human Events newsletter