With the media already declaring Barack Obama victorious and closing the books on this election before the polls open, there are still several things that John McCain can do to pull off a victory in two weeks:
1) Defend Gen. Colin Powell’s Obama endorsement. That’s right — don’t lament to the press, “Oh, gosh darn, that sucks. I wish I would have known about it beforehand.” Instead, just address the truth of the matter: “Hey, look. Everyone knows the economy isn’t that great right now — and a man’s got to eat! Under a McCain administration, we’ll create more jobs so Colin Powell doesn’t have to debase himself by publicly begging for employment as an aide to a community organizer.”
2) Start talking about your Cabinet. Yes, McCain’s an honorable man who may consider this a bit presumptuous — but no one else does. If anything the media will consider it delusional, so just go for it. First appointment: Rudy Giuliani as Attorney General. Rudy cleaned up Wall Street as a Federal prosecutor under Ronald Reagan, and I’m sure an encore would be very appealing to Main Street America right about now. While he was running against McCain for the GOP nomination, Giuliani’s campaign suffered because he couldn’t get the media to hose him down if he was on fire – but when it comes to cleaning up Wall Street, he’s the man for the job.
3) Start defending George Bush. Say, “I voted with George Bush 90% of the time because he’s right 90% of the time, despite all the memes that have been propagated in the media.” In the end, take away the painstaking reportage of every twitch and grunt, and the war in Iraq has been a success. No terror attacks on US soil since 9/11, and a shot at democracy in the MidEast. The only issues on which George Bush has been wrong are really immigration and the bailout bill — both of which enjoyed popular bipartisan support.
4) Ask Barack Obama how he’s going to afford all the free stuff. Last week in Canada there was a federal election, which was won overwhelmingly by the incumbent Conservative Party. It’s a tradition in western democracies, during election time, to bribe voters with their own money. But when it came time for Canadian Conservative government to open up the goody bag, they pretty much just admitted that Santa wasn’t coming this year. But according to Barack Obama, Santa’s got a whole sleigh full of stuff for the American people and is merely waiting for Grinch Bush to get the boot and newly-anointed Messiah Obama to part the Heavens so Santa can swoop down and unload his treasure trove. Then, in the springtime, the Easter Bunny will come – right after the Tooth Fairy has left enough money under your pillow to pay your mortgage.
5) Give the European leftists a reality check. European “thinkers” are clogging up the pages of American publications – because the media is running out of American Obamaphiles capable of stringing together a coherent sentence. French leftist Bernard-Henri Levy takes a struggling stab at doing so, in an interview with Salon Magazine: “Why Obama should be chosen, in my opinion: No. 1, because it would mean really the end — and the complete victory of the battle begun in the ’60s. No. 2, because it will mean the end of a new American evil, which is the dividing, the Balkanization of American society. This is another counter-effect of a great idea, which was tolerance. You so much tolerate that you tolerate the American society to be in separate bubbles having their own peculiarities, and so on. Obama as president will mean all these bubbles submitted to a real ideal of citizenship.” So really, America will only be truly unified as a country when it unites behind a black guy. Here’s a reality check for Mr. Levy: Obama’s the guy who has been musing on the campaign trail about how much he dislikes the North American Free Trade Agreement with America’s closest partners. So where exactly do you think that would leave France, in this dismal world economy?
6) Ask voters why they’d want a full show when the preview has been so underwhelming. Nancy Pelosi and the Democrats have already been in power for two years and ratings have been dismal. Perhaps it’s worth pointing out that unless you’re the kind of person who goes back to a restaurant after contracting food poisoning there, what would ever possess you to vote for more Obama-Pelosi?
7) Encourage the base to actually get out and vote. This election isn’t lost yet. Voters aren’t the media. The people who answer pollsters’ phone calls aren’t necessarily going to make it to the booth on voting day. It’s a long way from the couch to the front door, for many Obama voters – especially if mom brought home snacks.
8) Joke about your “anger”. When the media and other critics accuse you of looking “angry” on TV when debating Barack Obama, ask why Obama’s look of “concern” and “inquisitiveness” isn’t similarly mistaken for someone in dire need of a Fleet Enema.