The United States of America is the greatest country in the world. That is why so many people want to move here. Because of that reason, there is now a sizzling debate on where to put all the immigrants who are flowing across our borders both legally and illegally.
The country that seems the most intense in joining our ranks is Mexico. There have been hundreds of thousands of Mexicans who have staged rallies, skipped work and school, found babysitters and demonstrated for their right to become American citizens. No one seems to have the answer to this thorny problem of too many people and not enough to space to put them. The reason a resolution was not forthcoming until this article is simple:
No one bothered to ask ME!
So, before things get way of hand, I am stepping in to provide an answer to an issue even our great leaders cannot successfully address. My logic is based upon fairness, reason, logistical possibility and long-range planning. You may think I am crazy but when you really think about it, you will agree it is more practical than anything anyone else has thought of concerning this dilemma. I came to my senses on this while taking a shower and I could not wait to dry off and begin typing. Once this is published, I will be expecting a call from the President. In fact, I will be toasted by BOTH Presidents, Bush and Fox! Here is the answer…
Make Mexico our 51st state.
You laugh. You deride. You have a BETTER plan? I didn’t think so. Hear me out, amigo.
If we cannot beat ’em, we can enjoin them!
Instead of bringing all these new Mexicans INTO America, we go south. Put a burrito on the barbie, it’s FIESTA time! Within a few years, they will have a Wal-Mart and a Starbucks on every corner! We will level most of their cheap housing and let our real estate developers build expensive homes that Mexicans can be PROUD of, even if they cannot afford it. We will take the capital away from Mexico City thus halving their population almost immediately and re-establish it in Acapulco where we will build hundreds of casinos to pay for the U.S. economy there. All of a sudden, the FORMER citizens of Mexico will unpack their bags and proclaim their new way of life. They will be spending dollars not pesos. They will be watching their new President, George W. Bush, on their cable television. They will see Katie Couric on THEIR national news and hearing all about how WE are going to be celebrating our 230th Birthday on the Fourth of July!
They will feel terrible about killing all those Texans at the Alamo and start loving reruns of Zorro.
Once we absorb Mexico, we can turn our attention to other countries banging on our doors … Vietnam, Laos, Cambodia and all the nationals who are starting to dominate the NBA. Soon, we will have 60 states instead of a mere 50. I can see Iraq, North Korea and Iran joining our union thus eliminating the nuclear threat. I mean, we would not dare attack OURSELVES! We could eventually become our own continent.
And, if there was still a population problem after that, well, what in the world are all those planets doing up there taking up space with NO responsibility for their existence? Hmm? Either they contribute or we will take away their names and render them interplanetary impotent. Besides, NASA is looking for a way to spend all their money on something worthwhile. Let’s ship Howard Stern to Saturn radio. Permanently.
And, President Fox? He could become the governor of our new state which would be appropriately named…
The New New Mexico de Los Angeles Amigos of Anaheim.
Somewhere Lady Liberty is smiling…
This article first appeared at theOneRepublic.com.