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My Undocumented Radio Station

How can I get around the FCC’s paperwork, rules?

I’d really like to have a big, high-powered radio station — but to get one you have to apply to the Federal Communications Commission (FCC), file a lot of paperwork, and wait a long time. So I’m thinking that I’ll just open up an undocumented radio station.

And why not? I could have it on the air in no time since the rules and regulations would not be holding me up. And the government wouldn’t mind since I’m only doing it to earn some money that I can send to my family. The best thing about it is that I can run music and talk that other radio stations won’t do.

And since I will save a ton of money by not having to deal with all the regulations — why I won’t even have to hire a law firm — I’ll be able to sell advertising really cheap. Some people will say that I’m getting an unfair advantage over those stations that waited in line, and dealt with all the paperwork, but they won’t mind. Remember, this is not an illegal radio station; it is merely undocumented. It is just for the purpose of bettering my life. And the large companies that buy commercials from me will enjoy the big savings that they’ll be getting by doing business with me.

Some people may say that my undocumented radio station is artificially holding down the cost of commercials at competing radio stations. Poppycock. They can open up their own undocumented stations. Even if they do, it’ll be several years before the radio dial is totally packed with undocumented stations.

And so what if my station brings in some interference with legal, er, documented stations? Can’t they just move to some other part of the dial? Really, why would the government care? Some laws are just not meant to be enforced. Besides, it would be immoral to stop me! I have rights!

Of course, it is possible that the government might shut me down. If that happens, I’ll go to Plan B.

I’ll just cross the border into Mexico, and set up my undocumented station in the heart of Mexico City. The government there would welcome my station and me with open arms!

And why shouldn’t they? I’d broadcast stuff that Mexican stations won’t broadcast. I’d have news from the United States, and American popular music, advice on how to avoid Mexican immigration officials, and occasional historical features such as how Sam Houston kicked Santa Anna’s butt at San Jacinto. And everything would be in English!

I would even contribute to the Mexican economy by purchasing billboards to advertise my station. The headline would proclaim: Mexico City, USA! That’s just to get the attention of Americans living in Mexico City.

Of course, I’d be in Mexico as an undocumented immigrant, but that’s all right! The Mexican people are known for their understanding of such things. If they gave me any flack, I’d march in the streets carrying a United States flag! That would show them.

Of course, I’ll bring my family along, but since we won’t be making enough money to buy health insurance, I’ll find a place to live near a really good emergency room. I feel certain that Mexican hospitals would not turn away a needy patient.

My kids do not speak Spanish, and so we’ll have to send them to a Mexican bilingual school where they can take their classes in English for the first twelve years or until they learn enough Spanish.

Naturally, I hope it doesn’t come to that. After all, I wouldn’t have to take my undocumented radio station to Mexico in the first place if there were enough radio stations available in the United States. Since stations are scarce here, I will just have to do what I have to do.

That doesn’t make me a criminal — does it?

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Written By

Mr. Woolley is a Texas-based talk show host heard on KVCE AM 1160 weeknights at 8 p.m. Visit him at www.BeLogical.com.

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