Human Events Blog

The adventures of young Mitt Romney, hairstyle commando

Did you know that when he was a teenager, Mitt Romney allegedly made fun of another boy’s hair, and teamed up with a gang of high-school hooligans to clip some of it off? 

You do if you’re a regular reader of the Washington Post!  Yes, Barack Obama’s fog-shrouded past remains a mystery wrapped in a riddle inside an enigma, and if you ask any questions about it you’re probably a racist, but teams of forensic reporters dug into Mitt Romney’s high-school history and exhumed a long-buried horror from Sixties:

Mitt Romney returned from a three-week spring break in 1965 to resume his studies as a high school senior at the prestigious Cranbrook School. Back on the handsome campus, studded with Tudor brick buildings and manicured fields, he spotted something he thought did not belong at a school where the boys wore ties and carried briefcases. John Lauber, a soft-spoken new student one year behind Romney, was perpetually teased for his nonconformity and presumed homosexuality. Now he was walking around the all-boys school with bleached-blond hair that draped over one eye, and Romney wasn’t having it.

“He can’t look like that. That’s wrong. Just look at him!” an incensed Romney told Matthew Friedemann, his close friend in the Stevens Hall dorm, according to Friedemann’s recollection. Mitt, the teenaged son of Michigan Gov. George Romney, kept complaining about Lauber’s look, Friedemann recalled.

A few days later, Friedemann entered Stevens Hall off the school’s collegiate quad to find Romney marching out of his own room ahead of a prep school posse shouting about their plan to cut Lauber’s hair. Friedemann followed them to a nearby room where they came upon Lauber, tackled him and pinned him to the ground. As Lauber, his eyes filling with tears, screamed for help, Romney repeatedly clipped his hair with a pair of scissors.

(Emphasis mine.)  Gotta love those carefully rendered details about the posh prep school!  I can’t believe they didn’t work the phrase “One Percent” in there somewhere.  I haven’t been to the exclusive school where Barack Obama – who couldn’t wait to trash a highly successful school choice program for underprivileged kids in D.C. – sends his daughters.  Is it a handsome campus with manicured fields?  How about the prep school Obama attended in Hawaii?  Granted, it probably didn’t have any “Tudor brick buildings.”

The Post went so far as to conduct interviews with no less than five witnesses to this outrage, who coincidentally “mostly lean Democratic,” with one of them volunteering for the Obama campaign in 2008.  

Oh my God, we came close to swapping out the Lightworker – with his double-digit unemployment, billion-dollar crony capitalism, and $5 trillion debt mountain – for a guy who used to be part of a “prep school posse!”  I guess we’d better just vote for American collapse then.  We’ll still be able to get bad haircuts, assuming we can afford to buy gas at Obama prices to drive to the unisex salon.

Isn’t it amazing this earthshaking scoop broke the very morning after Obama announced the completion of his “evolution” toward gay marriage?  And after Obama spent so much time on a crusade against “bullying,” which involves giving angry militant gay activists access to captive audiences of school children to lecture them on theology?  What incredibly fortuitous timing!  Say, doesn’t Mitt Romney deserve applause for his “evolution” away from hairstyle criticism?

If you haven’t bothered to follow the link to the Washington Post story yet, let me tell you the funniest thing about this sloppy in-kind contribution to the Obama 2012 campaign: it’s over five thousand words long.  Read all the way to the end for the sad finale, in which Mitt Romney’s achievements are directly contrasted with the tragically early demise of his haircut victim – whose life, it is heavily implied, was damaged forever by the trauma he suffered at Roof Dawg’s hands.

Romney was asked about the story during a radio interview Thursday morning (see how this works?) and wound up offering a blanket apology for all of his “pranks” and the other “stupid things” he did in high school.  He said he doesn’t specifically remember the haircut incident, and the sexual orientation of his classmates was “the furthest thing from my mind back in the 1960s.” 

That should pretty much wrap up this silly distraction.  Thanks to the Washington Post for officially giving us the green light to dig into Barack Obama’s past with similar vigor.