Nothing offends today’s “liberals” more than the free speech of their political enemies. Silencing dissent with boycotts is a time-consuming enterprise, which can result in unfortunate economic fallout. If only there was some way to make people shut up more quickly!
Well, science has come to the rescue, as Japanese researchers have developed the perfect instrument for our totalitarian Left. Fox News, which should otherwise be silenced as quickly as possible, brings us the news from Tokyo:
Kazutaka Kurihara of the National Institute of Advanced Industrial Science and Technology, and Koji Tsukada of Ochanomizu University, developed a portable “SpeechJammer” gun that can silence people more than 30 meters away.
The device works by recording its target’s speech then firing their words back at them with a 0.2-second delay, which affects the brain’s cognitive processes and causes speakers to stutter before silencing them completely.
Describing the device in a research paper published Feb. 28 at arXiv.org, Kurihara and Tsukada wrote, “In general, human speech is jammed by giving back to the speakers their own utterances at a delay of a few hundred milliseconds. This effect can disturb people without any physical discomfort, and disappears immediately by stopping speaking.”
Even better, it appears that President Barack Obama would be completely invulnerable to the effects of this device, provided he leaves his teleprompter at home:
They found that the device works better on people who were reading aloud than engaged in “spontaneous speech” and it cannot stop people making meaningless sounds, such as “ahhh,” that are uttered over a long time period.
Interestingly, the Japanese scientists didn’t propose the most obvious use for this technology, which would be in movie theaters. Maybe Japanese movie theaters are less noisy than their American counterparts. Or perhaps they figure the sight of robot gun turrets hanging from the ceiling of movie theaters would scare away the customers.
Kurihara and Tsukada suggested the speech-jamming gun could be used to hush noisy speakers in public libraries or to silence people in group discussions who interrupt other people’s speeches.
“There are still many cases in which the negative aspects of speech become a barrier to the peaceful resolution of conflicts,” the authors said.
They’ve got a point there. When was the last time you saw a mime rumble?
This new technology is a real boon to the sizable number of liberal Americans who firmly believe that only Certain People should be allowed to say Certain Things. Our new top-down micromanaged system will work so much better if everyone just shuts up and obeys their leaders. Is there any way the Department of Health and Human Services could get a bulk discount on these new muffle guns?
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