Editor’s Note: Per therapist’s orders, former House member Julian C. Flooz (D-N.Y.) has penned a letter to his old constituents. Against therapist’s orders, he actually mailed it out.
BUFFALO, NEW YORK
Dear Ungrateful Voters of New York’s 28th District,
As I sit in front of my TV and watch the 113th Congress fumble its way through the most basic of parliamentary procedure, I thought you’d all be interested to hear what I’ve been up to since you tossed me out of office last year like a snot-filled Kleenex.
Thanks to you, it has been a distressing 13 months. After boxing up my things and defacing my office, I returned home to Buffalo from Washington in early 2011, hoping to put the midterm elections behind me. The Flooz Family tried their best to make it a joyful event. Doreen dug out her “I’m a Flooz-y” sweatshirt from the ’98 campaign. The kids made homemade signs, even cheering when I came through the door. I asked them where that enthusiasm was on the campaign trail the previous summer and Doreen gave me a dirty look.
Dr. Glerk says I need to move on. He says I can’t undo what happened. Technically, he’s wrong, of course. There was a number of Election Day irregularities which the Attorney General refused to look into, namely that such a high percentage of you voted for my Republican opponent instead of me.
The truth is that my loss wouldn’t have irked me as much if I had been beaten by a superior candidate. Someone with a law degree from Yale perhaps. Or at least a sympathetic limp. But Darrell Bivens? Really??? So what if he quotes the Constitution on a regular basis. I’m still waiting for someone to give a cogent argument on how owning five Jiffy Lubes makes you “Washington ready.”
Dr. Glerk says it’s not healthy to dwell on Darrell Bivens. He says the only person with the power to control my emotions is me. I think he says that just to make me angry.
Nevertheless, I held it together pretty well for most of 2011, losing myself in celebrity golf tournaments, a streaming Netflix subscription, and my Keurig single cup brewing system.
Then came the holidays. Christmas Eve was, in all honesty, wonderful. For the first time in 16 years, we didn’t have to spend it scooping baked beans at the soup kitchen for people who don’t vote. I always said that was the longest forty-five minutes of my year. Instead, I took the family on a tour around the greater Buffalo region and pointed some of the wonderful city landmarks that would never have existed were it not for my earmarks: The International Center for Squirrel Rehabilitation, the unnecessary third lane on I-190 between Smith and Hamburg Streets, and, opening next week, the Julian C. Flooz cellphone charging station next to the food court at Eastern Hills Mall.
Things turned dark, however, on Christmas Day. After Doreen opened my presents, I was taken aside and accused of “spending too much on things she doesn’t need.” She then explained (in a patronizing fashion, might I add) that our family has a budget and that I was expected to stick to it “just like everyone else.” I told her she was fear mongering and that a little debt was a good thing. She countered by claiming we’d be bankrupt in six months. I couldn’t help but feel like she was stealing her talking points from Darrell Bivens.
In the end, I spent Christmas night sleeping on the basement couch. I hope you’re happy, District 28.
The week that followed was pretty much a spiked eggnog-induced haze, if I’m being completely honest. From what my daughter says, I spent it trying to remember how to play “Aqua-Lung” on my old guitar from college, watching Michael Moore documentaries, and prank calling local Jiffy Lubes.
Dr. Glerk would say I have narcissistic tendencies and don’t respond well to criticism. I’ve decided Dr. Glerk is an $^(@&*$#.
But anyone who knows me knows that Julian C. Flooz does not run away from trials. (Except, of course, in the case of the sexual harassment suit filed by my former aide in 1996, who, may I remind you, was a money-grubbing whore who never had any conclusive evidence whatsoever.)
In any event, this past Monday, I decided to make my triumphant return to the private sector. I immediately got to work compiling a list of contacts who were sure to snatch me up and treat me with the respect that none of you did on November 2nd, 2010. Unfortunately — and I hate to be the bearer of bad news here — it turns out there aren’t many jobs available these days. When no one had room for me as a consultant or on their board of directors, I called a longtime supporter to see if he’d be interested in having me do some i-banking for his company, what with me having served on the House Financial Services Committee for five terms and all.
“Do you know anything about i-banking?” he said. Once he explained exactly what an i-banker does, it turns out I didn’t.
So, as I watched Darrell Bivens on C-SPAN this week, once again squeezing his flabby self into my desk in the House chamber, I realized it was time for my own gut check. You’ll be happy to know that I did some hard thinking about my calling. About my gifts and how to best use them. I even dropped to my knees and prayed (not that I believe my religion is superior to yours or that praying on one’s knees is superior to any other praying position). The answer came with such clarity. It was so simple and yet so right. And so… it is with great fanfare that I use this letter to all of you to officially announce my candidacy for congressman in the 28th District for 2014!
I know. Two years seems like a long way off. But I just checked with the New York State Department of Labor and it turns out that even with my healthy pension, I might qualify for unemployment insurance, in which case the 100 weeks of compensation I’ll be getting will be just enough to carry me all most of the way to Election Day!
Until then, take care, constituents. And for those heading out to the Eastern Hills mall food court, happy cellphone charging. I’ll be back before you know it.
Congressman Julian C. Flooz
Congressman Flooz is reachable via email — JulianFlooz@gmail.com — or via Bob Smiley.