You remember Tesla Motors, don’t you? Well, you should. Barack Obama forced you to give them $465 million to develop electric cars, bringing the wonders of sustainable transportation to the common man, provided the common man has $100,000 to drop on a Tesla Roadster. This also created 400 of those wonderful “green jobs,” at a taxpayer cost of $1,087,500.00 per job. It has been heartwarming to watch Obama embrace that “Occupy Wall Street” ethic by spending gigantic amounts of public money to subsidize expensive toys for rich people.
Well, it turns out you can only have a limited amount of fun with a Tesla car, because if the battery ever becomes completely discharged, the car turns into a “brick” that will never move again, absent $40,000 in repairs. AutoGuide brings us the exciting tale of how Barack Obama invested our money in the development of The Electric Brick:
Essentially a Tesla Roadster can fully discharge in 11 weeks of no usage, from a full 100-percent charge. Reports are coming in that if the vehicle is driven nearly its maximum range and is left unplugged, it could become bricked in as little as a week. So once the Tesla battery completely discharges, it cannot be recovered or recharged, which leads to the $32,000 bill to purchase a new one plus the labor, taxes, and installation charges bringing it closer to $40,000.
A regional service manager for Tesla has gone on the record to say that he is aware of at least five vehicles that have become bricked due to battery depletion. If reports of this issue becomes more public and widespread, Tesla could be in for a rough ride in damage control.
Unlike their customers, who will have a very smooth ride sitting in their immobile six-figure electric cars, making “vroom vroom” noises and pretending to work the controls, as they experience the most “sustainable” transportation ever developed by crony capitalism.
By the way, according to Jalopnik, when a Tesla “bricks,” the wheels lock in place – you can’t even tow it, push it, or roll it downhill while making your “vroom vroom” noises.
Also, a Tesla can drop dead even if you’re charging it, “if it isn’t receiving sufficient current to charge, which can be caused by something as simple as using an extension cord.” So, please be certain to park your Obamamobile in the living room, right next to a convenient electric socket. Additionally, you must take your car with you if you’re planning on going on trips lasting longer than a week, if you don’t want it to die. Pro tip: Tesla Roadsters do not fit in the overhead bins on most aircraft.
In case you were wondering, no, this is not covered by your warranty. Tesla is brainstorming innovative methods of addressing the problem… such as remotely activating the vehicles’ built-in GPS systems to monitor the cars and warn engineers of impending brickification. Now that’s the true Hope-and-Change spirit! You say “bug,” but our can-do President says “feature.”
Tesla thinks everyone should embrace the Zen calm of a fully discharged Roadster, because hey, every one of the fabulously expensive electric toys produced by Obamanomics can potentially turn into a brick. From the company’s statement:
All automobiles require some level of owner care. For example, combustion vehicles require regular oil changes or the engine will be destroyed. Electric vehicles should be plugged in and charging when not in use for maximum performance. All batteries are subject to damage if the charge is kept at zero for long periods of time. However, Tesla avoids this problem in virtually all instances with numerous counter-measures. Tesla batteries can remain unplugged for weeks (even months), without reaching zero state of charge. Owners of Roadster 2.0 and all subsequent Tesla products can request that their vehicle alert Tesla if SOC falls to a low level. All Tesla vehicles emit various visual and audible warnings if the battery pack falls below 5 percent SOC. Tesla provides extensive maintenance recommendations as part of the customer experience.
Remind me: do real cars become “destroyed” if you drive them around for a while, then leave them sitting in the driveway for a week, without changing their oil? In any event, this is only a minor setback, provided you’re willing to sleep next to your electric car and remain alert for those visual and audible warnings.
Also in the true spirit of Hope-and-Change, Jalopnik reports that someone is trying to smear the whisteblower who broke the bricking story. He’s a guy who plunked down $50,000 and waited two years to get his electric car, then made the mistake of dropping it in a garage while his house was being renovated. Two months later, he found himself the proud owner of an electric brick. He says nobody from Tesla ever warned him this could happen.
Persons unknown decided to smear this fellow by leaking confidential correspondence to the press, and insinuating he’s just a shakedown artist, an insinuation Tesla was happy to spread via Twitter. None of the leaked emails validate this slander in any way, and the electric brick owner in question, Max Drucker, says he only wanted warranty repairs for his dead $100,000 car. He’s given up on that, and just wants to warn other Tesla owners what might await them, if they don’t pay at least as much attention to their cars as they would to a pony.
What a silly man! Everyone knows the first rule of Brick Club is that you do not talk about Brick Club.