R3195 WILSHIRE BLVD. • BEVERLY HILLS, CA 90210 • (310) 555-6791
Senator Rick Santorum
PO Box 37
Verona, PA 15147
February 15, 2012
Congratulations on your increasing success in the pursuit of the Republican Presidential nomination! No doubt you are as surprised as I am to find you in this position.
As someone with over two decades of experience as an image consultant (my current list of clients includes Tide detergent, the cast of MTV’s “Jersey Shore”, and the horse from War Horse), I have taken the time to review you and your campaign and would like to offer, gratis, strategies on how to build your brand, generate buzz, and inflate your star potential.
I know you will be impressed and look forward to the possibility of being on your team going forward.
• Conventional wisdom says “lose the sweater vest.” Not I. I say wear the vest… but with nothing underneath. Young people are naturally drawn to fashion trend setters. Plus by keeping the vest you won’t lose appeal among young females looking for approval from absent father figures.
• How attached are you to your current hairstyle? Just curious.
• You need a catchphrase. Studies show it dramatically increases the public’s comfort and familiarity with a new face. I like “OH baby!” or possibly “Who’s ready to RICK?!” Call to discuss.
• I know that a presidential candidate is always looking to keep his campaign coffer full. With that in mind, I have secured you a very exciting endorsement deal. Due to pending court cases, the company cannot donate directly to your campaign, but it is happy to donate to your favorite 501(c)(3) organization. I also cannot reveal who the company is, but for all future stump speeches, it will be helpful if you spill something on your pants, then smile worry free at the crowd and say, “Not a problem…thanks to Tide.”
•Do you know Tim Tebow? Could be helpful.
• I recently discovered your senior high school photo. Not to fear, I have successfully destroyed all remaining copies. You may keep this one in a safe deposit box though I recommend you burn it and then eat the ashes.
• How attached are you to your current nose? Just curious.
• It seems that over the course of your 16 years in Congress, you unfortunately voted a large number of times on a wide range of issues. I wish you had consulted me before doing so. Nevertheless, throughout the rest of the campaign, I recommend that you avoid being in favor or against specific things.
• My research revealed that you are in the regular habit of attending Latin Mass. Given this, I’m not sure why you are lagging behind with Latin-American voters. (Note: Possibly consider adding “Arriba Rick!” as an additional catchphrase?)
•How attached are you to your 7 children? Would LOVE to see a number closer to 3.4. Call to discuss.
• I see you have an active Twitter account. Great! However you do tend to tweet quite a bit about the crumbling economy and America’s social decay. Blech. Consider mixing in other topics e.g. Whitney Houston, that Asian basketball player on the Knicks, Tide, the horse from War Horse, or the cast of Jersey Shore. (A Snookie retweet could mean a lot come Election Day.)
• Lastly, I recommend you ditch your entire campaign platform.
And that’s just the beginning. Together there is no goal we cannot achieve. All that remains is one simple question:
Who’s ready to RICK?!
Sign up to the Human Events newsletter