CPAC 2012: Herman Cain will not let stupid and ignorant people ruin America

“I want to make one thing perfectly clear,” former presidential candidate and CEO Herman Cain gravely intoned, as he took the stage at CPAC.  “These teleprompters are not for me.  I don’t do teleprompters.”

Cain ran into trouble during his campaign when dealing with topics that didn’t interest him, leading to a few uncomfortable moments during debates and interviews.  A teleprompter might have been a blessing at those times.  But when he’s on fire, talking about subjects dear to his heart, he’s not kidding when he says no external input is needed. 

“Our nation today has become a nation of crises,” Cain announced.  “We have an economic crisis.  We have an energy crisis.  We have an illegal immigration crisis.  We have a faulty foreign policy crisis.  We have a moral crisis.  But the worst one we have is a severe deficiency-of-leadership crisis!”

Cain declared that the American people are as fed up with the federal abuse of power as their forefathers were with the Crown’s.  “We need another revolution in this country!  But we won’t need bombs and bullets, not this time.  It’ll be brains, and ballots at the ballot box.  We must outsmart the liberals!  We must outsmart the stupid people that are trying to ruin America!”

I miss the way Herman Cain filled the Republican primary with exclamation points.

He’s confident we can win our battle against the bubbleheads.  “We outnumber the stupid people!  Trust me!  I counted ‘em.”  He stressed the importance of staying informed, involved, and inspired as the keys to victory, saying they were even more important now than when he reviewed them at the previous CPAC.

Cain thanked those who supported him during his presidential bid, and explained there were two reasons he dropped out of the race: “Number One, gutter politics.  And Number Two, I chose to put family first.  And in making that decision, I knew that we could work together to change Washington, D.C. from the outside, and from the bottom up, even if your ‘David’ didn’t make it to the White House.”  In case you’re one of those liberals who only reads the Bible to find evidence that Jesus favors massive tax increases, that’s a reference to the story of David and Goliath.

Since he won’t get to be David, and there’s already a rather well-known Cain in the Bible, our Herman will settle for leading an army into electoral battle with the hosts of the stupid.  “Stay informed,” he encouraged the crowd again.  “This Administration is deceiving the American people.  They say that we have a ‘recovery.’  But how can 1.7 percent growth in GDP be a recovery?  It is not.  This is the only President where GDP has not gotten above four percent in the three years that he’s been there.  It is not anticipated that it’s going to happen in this year.  And he says on TV, and I quote, ‘I deserve another term.’  For what?”

Another thing Cain accused the Administration of deceiving us on is unemployment rates, by manipulating the numbers used to measure them.  “If you change the assumptions, you can get different results,” he asserted.  “That’s what they did.  They stopped counting people that had dropped out of the work force.  They stopped counting people that were under-employed.  That’s how they came up with 8.3 percent.  But if you add those people back in, the real unemployment rate exceeds 15 percent.”  The tactic he’s describing has been in use for a very long time, but lately the bottom-line unemployment figure has been scrubbed and polished with enough “adjustments” to raise a few eyebrows.

According to Cain, you won’t get accurate calculations from “the lamestream lapdog media.”  This leaves most of the American people “buffaloed by false facts.”  He modestly offered his own website,, as an alternative.

There’s another alternative Cain remains keenly interested in proposing: “the most bold economic growth and job plan on the planet – Nine Nine Nine!”  He’s still enthusiastic about the cornerstone of his presidential campaign, a reform plan that would replace our current tax code – represented on his website by a cartoon character that looks like a cross between a junk pile and an Angry Bird – with flat 9 percent taxes on business income, personal income, and sales. 

“Make it yours!  Make it your plan!” he exhorted, asking voters to encourage their representatives to embrace the 999 reform package.  He was eager to endorse one congressional candidate, facing a tough race in Ohio, who has already pledged to vote for the 999 Plan – none other than “Joe the Plumber,” who was among the first Americans to learn how Barack Obama planned to use our critical mass of tax laws to “spread the wealth.”

“We are tired of kicking the can down the road.  The American people want stuff fixed!  Let’s fix something for a change!” Cain thundered.  He’s on the sidelines of the political game now, but he’s still great at delivering inspiration to those who remain on the field.  He can still make the preamble to the Constitution sound like testimony before God.

He draws his own inspiration from the need to build a better future for his grandchildren, the fourth of whom was born on January 1 of this year.  “And before the doctor spanked his little butt, and made him cry, he already owed $48,000… and he hasn’t done anything yet!”

“The Obama people thought that after the character assassination that was launched against me, that Herman was going to shut up, sit down, and go away,” he said.  His response came with the kind of grin that cannot be clearly seen through a teleprompter.  “Ain’t gonna happen.”