Try Showing a Little Cleavage: Final Advice for the '99 Percent' Movement'

Part Three of our helpful advice to the ‘I am the 99 percent/occupy wall street’ movement. We are givers. Also see Part One: Ditch the Coke Nail and Part Two: Some Dreams Just Need Killing.

I am a young man, a person of conscience, an American tired of being one brick of countless bricks upon which this indecent edifice sways; committing violences to which I will ultimately have to answer for, though they be not of my volition, made guilty before I’d uttered my first words.

I am so angry. I am the 99%

Dear Commits Violences:

While your Pink-wannabe, inane and insane ‘free verse’ may impress your fellow travelers/criminals, it does not impress us. In fact, since we are sane it, you know, frightens us. Only a true sociopath would think that one who commits violences [sic] is at the same time a ‘person of conscience’. But, of course you are blameless, right? Because you say you commit these violences [sic] not of your own volition. Which is ironic, since our advice is that you be commited not of your own volition. And fast.

Also, are you in Seattle perchance? No particular reason we wish to know this …

Officers had been given a composite sketch of the suspect and detectives learned he had been at Westlake Park taking part in the Occupy Seattle protests.

The man is accused of exposing himself three times on Sept. 29 — once in Crown Hill, once near Alki Beach, and a third time on Capitol Hill. Three days later, he was spotted at Pinehurst Playfield near Northgate, and then again on Oct. 3 at the Lakeside soccer field in North Seattle.

I have a Master of Arts degree in Women’s Studies. However, the only job I can find is as a bartender at a local restaurant. I owe over 60k in student loans. I am forced to rely on food stamps and W.I.C. to support my son. Is this the “American Dream” I worked so hard for? I am the 99 percent!

Dear Feminist Failure,

Wait, you’re telling us that mastering the intersectional analysis of patriarchal oppression didn’t result in an avalanche of lucrative job offers? Who could’ve seen that coming?

But we’re a bit confused about your financial woes. Every bartender we know pulls in great tip money working even fewer hours than the average feminist activist.

Just a guess, but maybe your customers are put off by your “I had an abortion” t-shirt and “I heart Rachel Maddow” button?

Here’s our advice: Stop regaling bar patrons with tragic tales of phallocratic hegemony and try showing a little cleavage. Oh, and just FYI, tweezers aren’t just for splinters–they work on eyebrows too. If all else fails, get in the kitchen and make your customer a sammich.

Tip city, baby!

Dear Crime Conundrum Redux:

We offered you, Ms. ‘Crime Conundrum’, some advice a few weeks ago wherein we suggested that your feild [sic] must not be English. We further suggested that if you are hell bent on a life of crime, you should choose the former option, as the latter doesn’t seem like it would be a profitable path.

You neither heeded nor appreciated our advice, evidently. In fact, you were quite upset that your ‘internet fame’ wasn’t to your liking.  So you blogged about it; you know, so as to avoid further ‘internet fame.’ Sigh. Smart decisions are hard.

Most people who are familiar with my blog, me, or the Occupy Wall Street movement in general will know that I submitted THIS picture ( to WeAreThe99Percent’s Tumblr.

I recognize that I switched the i and the e in field. If you want to sit there and lie to yourself and say that you’ve never done that, go ahead. But I wasn’t going to go through all the trouble to take it down, rewrite the sign, re-upload it, and then still probably catch hate for people that center their lives around looking for it.

This picture has created a small explosion on the Internet.

A friend posted a link on my Facebook to a random website which included my picture. A Google search yielded over 2 million results. Seriously. Google “toughest decision now is whether to sell drugs or my body.” You will find it. Among those who repost the picture are my very first official haters! They include a white supremacist blog and a conservative hate-mongering Ann Coulter vehicle. Both sites tell me that they’d rather I sell drugs considering the look of my body (which they do not see, because the picture is only of my face).

Oh, sweetie. You merely validated our point. Only a total spoiled brat slacker would be all giddy and vapors-like over being ‘internet famous.’ And only a total entitlement-riddled sloth would find the oh-so-arduous task of re-writing three sentences and a lame one line slogan to be an insurmountable, Herculean effort (you may not understand the Hercules reference, being that English was clearly not your feild [sic] of study).

Nice touch calling HUMAN EVENTS a ‘hate-mongering Ann Coulter vehicle’, though, and equating us with white supremacists. Because, of course – Racism ™. By the way, we needed only to see the face to suggest skipping the selling of your body plans. The overhead for paper bags alone would be cost-prohibitive.

You then went on to suggest that anyone who claims to never have messed up (only you said it super classy-like) the five letter word FIELD can just ‘come at me.’ Yeah, no thanks. See above.

I am a senior at a top fashion school in New York City. My dream job is to do editorial at a major publication like Vogueor Elle.  Even though I am qualified, I can’t afford my dream because it only pays $30,000/yr (or even less starting out). Because girls from very affluent families want to work at magazines, Daddy continues to pay her bills and expenses (even though they aren’t all necessarily qualified for the positions) and magazines don’t need to increase their salaries.  My parents have “white collar” jobs, but based on principle, won’t pay for anything after I graduate. Living in new york is expensive: my box (apartment) is $1,700/month and to dress like I belong at Vogue is too. I’d have to waitress to make ends meet (and have no life) or (ironically) date a Wall St guy (the norm), but I’d rather OCCUPY WALL ST than date it.

I cannot afford to work in my industry.

I am the 99%.

Dear Devil Who Can’t Wear Prada,

We’re sure your comrades’ hearts are heavy with the sad news that an entry level editorial job won’t leave you with $1,700 a month to spruce up your Louboutin collection. How can you be expected to face the cold, cruel world without shiny new David Yurman bangles on your arm? How will you face … yourself?

We bet you’d just die of embarrassment if Anna Wintour ever caught you fetching her assistant’s assistant coffee while wearing a little black dress from Kohl’s. Or worse, Marshalls. Oh, the horror!

You are truly the 99%.

And by that, we mean you are truly a self-absorbed brat with an almost comically inflated sense of entitlement.

$30,000 a year from your hypothetical dream job won’t feed your fashion habit, moonlighting as a waitress is time-consuming and beneath you, and you’re not quite resigned to becoming a sugar baby, so you’re going to … occupy Wall Street?

Is it the ‘banksters’ coming between you and your Calvins?

No, of course not. It’s your unwillingness to do what countless twenty-somethings do while establishing their careers: split the rent with a roommate or two and hit the thrift shops and eBay for an affordable work wardrobe.

So, sugar daddy it is! We doubt many Wall Street professionals would suffer your puerile nonsense, but we’re certain there’s a trustafarian in Zuccotti Park just waiting to serenade you with his bongos.

I am 25 years old.

Very lucky to have a college degree and no debt.

But my career is in progressive politics — working for labor unions, campaigns and nonprofits — and I can’t afford to make ends meet in a Big City, on the $30,000 average salaries these jobs pay. Now I’m 1000s in credit card debt.

How can young people like me change the world, stand up for what we believe in, and still get ahead?

I am the 99%.  #occupywallstreet

Dear Can’t Budget or Keep Story Straight:

Your scrawly screed is different than your typed out Tumblr manifesto. Weren’t pleased with the first result so you tried to whip it up some with a more pathetic stick? All you did was further prove that cognitive skills aren’t your strong suit – if that wasn’t evident enough by the fact that you work in ‘progressive politics’. Oh, my sides! The irony! And not in the hipster way.

You see, you can’t both be lucky to ‘have no debt’ and also have ‘1000s in credit card debt.’ Guess what credit card debt is? DEBT. If you ‘can’t make ends meet’ what in the hell made you think that you could pay back money that you charged up on credit cards? We are to feel sorry for you because you overspent and lived outside your means?

Further, if $30,000 a year – for a single broad – doesn’t cut it in ‘the big city’ then don’t, you know, live in the big city. Because it most certainly cuts it most everywhere else. Sure, you maybe can’t buy every single new iPhone that comes out immediately, but that shouldn’t be a problem for you – surely you don’t wish to line the pockets of fat cat corporations or – the horror – Banksters. Total down twinkles!

You say that you are choosing to dedicate your early career to progressive politics and causes. That implies that you do not plan to do that for your entire career (hence the ‘early’ part). Here’s a novel idea – if those jobs don’t ‘cut it’ for you, then stop dedicating your early career to them. Problem solved, cupcake! Of course, that would entail doing something with an actual purpose and not just a means to pat yourself on your oh-so-smug back. Look at me! I’m so special! Praise me for being dedicated to ’causes’! I’m trying to change the world and stuff! From my Tumblr.

Grow up, get a real job and stop buying stuff you can’t afford. Lose the sign and start living in the real world, removed from your perpetual childhood-ridden ‘progressive politics’ ivory tower. A little less whinies and a little more thinkies. Maybe then you will realize that ‘progressive politics’ are the cause of our problems and not the solution. I’m sure they teach you that theory in your Smug ™ non-profit training: “If you aren’t a part of the solution, then you are part of the problem.’

There. ‘Change the world’ that way instead of your usual circle jerk of mental masturbation and self-congratulation with your fellow travelers . That’s a real teachable moment for you, sugar.






I AM THE 99%

Dear Gangsta Grandma,

Oooh! A guessing game! Despite the lack of a question mark at the end of your question, we’ll play along.

Hmm, what could you be thinking about? Here are a few possibilities. Tell us if we’re warm.

* You’re thinking of a number between 1 and 10.
      (Uh, 6?)
* You’re wondering whether “Masters Degree” has an apostrophe.
      (It does.)
* You’re thinking of cutting a punctuation-correcting bitch.
      (We’d like to see you try.)

Hold on, we’ve got it! You’re thinking you can intimidate us into embracing lefty agendas with threats of rape, murder, and robbery, right?

Have you been chatting with Joe Biden again? Next you’ll wish we had ‘some notion‘ of what it’s like to be one of your victims. Admit it, the VP put you up to this. Either that or you’re stealing his shtick.

Careful with that. Biden can get pretty huffy.

I’m a 27 year old working professional with a master’s degreeand $50k in student loan debt. I now make $14 per hour- how can I be a good therapist to your children when I can’t pay attention due to extreme financial stress?

I haven’t had health insurance since August 2010 and am thankful that I have been relatively healthy since additional medical bills are definitely not in the budget!!

Dear Please Turn Yourself Into Child Protective Services:

Um. There is so much wrong here that we don’t even know where to start. Perhaps we’ll start with this: choosing to get a Master’s Degree and go $50,000 into debt only to enter into a career that pays $14 an hour was your choice. Did someone force you to obtain a worthless Master’s Degree in what we can only assume is Psychology or ‘Childhood Development and Therapy’ or some such nonsense by gunpoint? We think not, unless Joe Biden was around.

You probably request that your creditors put ‘trigger warning’ on your bills or you curl up into the fetal position because you feel they are ‘bullying’ you or whatever the latest ‘I’m just a victim’ trend is that you were taught in your classes. Just blaming mommy for not letting you lick the cake bowl is so old school. Clearly you chose the nebulous ‘therapy’ or glorified guidance counselor field because you couldn’t do the work required to become a Psychiatrist – which is a real shame. At least that way you could prescribe yourself some much needed ‘medication’.

Because, did you really just admit that you do not pay attention to the children to whom you are supposed to be providing therapy? You are being paid to do a job that you admit you are not doing. Worse, you are harming children by selfishly worrying more about things caused by your own poor decisions than treating them. Way to be For The Children (TM)! You know how you can be a ‘good therapist’? By not being a therapist.

Therapist, heal thyself.

I’m 24.
I’m passionate.
I’m spunky.
I’m creative.
I’m a digital marketer.
I’m jobless.

99%, y’all.

Dear Spunky Huckster,

Whoa, hold on. Give us a minute to take all that in. Passion, spunk, and creativity? How is it that a triple threat like you isn’t steamrolling her way to the top of the digital marketing field?

The thing is, we think you might be taking the whole “creative” thing a little too far. When someone is ‘jobless,’ it’s generally understood to mean she has no job. Since you’re a woman who has a job, describing yourself as ‘jobless’ strikes us as a bit of a stretch.

Unless, of course, you’re using ‘spunky’ to mean ‘lying liar who lies.’ What creativity!

Maybe you shouldn’t have submitted your fictional ‘We Are The 99 Percent’ sob story from a Tumblr account that’s linked to your entire social media footprint, including your work history. And does your recent post on Google+ ring a bell?

my work moved me into a new office

You see, someone who gets a ‘new office’ at ‘work’ isn’t actually … wait for it … jobless. Here’s a radical suggestion for the future: if you can’t stop yourself from lying to support a lefty revolution, you might want to make it a little harder to get caught. Start by sweeping up the digital breadcrumbs leading right to your iDoor. Hey, you’re a ‘digital marketer’ and self-proclaimed ‘social media gal.’ Should be a piece of cake!

p.s. You’ve got great hair! We’d ask you what your secret is, but getting the truth out of you seems like more trouble than it’s worth.