President Obama was getting ready for one of his incredibly expensive taxpayer-funded campaign appearances in Virginia when tragedy struck, as reported by the local NBC affiliate:
NBC12 has uncovered one of those stories that makes you think: “How in the world does that happen?!” A truck filled with President Obama’s podiums and audio equipment was stolen in Henrico just days before his visit to Chesterfield.
We confirmed an investigation with the U.S. Defense Department. There are still a lot of questions. The biggest one being did the thieves intentionally target the President’s truck or did they take advantage of a crime of opportunity and give a big “uh-oh” when they saw what was inside.
The truck was parked at a hotel. Apparently thieves took it for a joyride, then left it in the parking lot of a different hotel. The equipment inside, including the fabled presidential teleprompter (affectionately known as “TOTUS” in a nod to how heavily the current POTUS relies on it, and how completely the Greatest Orator In History disintegrates into stammering incoherence when he doesn’t have it), has been valued at $200,000.
It’s not clear whether the thieves took any of this valuable equipment, or just drove the truck around for a while before moving on to other amusements:
According to him, the entire back parking lot was blocked off as Henrico Police along with “lots of guys in suits” investigated. He said the truck had no markings and no indication anything special was inside. That leads to another big question of whether or not any of that was actually stolen.
Late Monday evening we found a truck with US government tags still parked in the Marriott’s lot. We are waiting to find out if that is the original truck returned to the staff or a second vehicle.
We were able to get this statement from a Defense Information Systems Agency spokesperson: “No classified or sensitive information was in the vehicle. We take incidents such as this very seriously and a formal investigation is continuing.”
The notion of someone stealing a teleprompter stuffed with arrogant demands to seize the wealth of others is too ironically hilarious not to take seriously, even if it didn’t actually happen. I can just imagine the thieves graduating to a bank job and setting up TOTUS to paralyze the security guards with windy speeches about “paying their fair share.”
Virginia authorities are advised to be on the lookout for a gang of shady characters cowering in fear from every corporate jet that flies overhead, and every ATM they pass. Suspects may have an uncontrollable urge to eat peas and make ridiculous long-shot bets with other people’s money.
TOTUS, you be strong, you survive! You stay alive, no matter what occurs! We will find you. No matter how long it takes, no matter how far, we will find you!