“It’s not easy being an Obama for America volunteer,” begins Devin Dwyer of ABC News, writing the most unintentionally hilarious line of a report that would be chilling if it wasn’t so pathetic. No, I’d imagine it’s not very easy being an Obama volunteer at all these days.
Well, don’t worry, kids. You won’t be getting the clue-bat love taps you so desperately need, but you will be getting help from the latest Orwellian initiative of this profoundly creepy President: a great new website called “Attack Watch” that will offer “new resources to fight back,” according to Obama for America failure director – excuse me, I mean “field director” – Jeremy Bird.
This here is the Twenty-First Century, pilgrims, so Attack Watch will be an interactive resource. You need to “help campaign headquarters keep track of attacks on the President by submitting ‘reports’ via mailform, and tweeting about them using the Twitter hashtag #attackwatch.”
I hereby pledge to do my best to create or save many jobs for these Obama drones, by giving them lots of mailforms to fill out. Say, does this mean we’ve heard the last of the “Astroturf” allegations about the Tea Party… or do you Obama dead-enders have enough cognitive dissonance to keep that ball in the air while you’re filing reports to Attack Watch?
These characters have no idea how weird and pitiful they look, but they might be getting some idea of the situation this morning, because the #attackwatch tag is a popular “trending” topic on Twitter… due to conservative tweeters having a merry time making fun of it. A sample from the irrepressible conservative humorist Iowahawk: “I would like to report a sighting of Public Enemy #1: Math.”
Obama’s political operation has always been on the bleeding edge of high tech stalking. They woke up their unfortunate followers at 2 A.M. with automated cell-phone messages to announce the selection of Joe Biden for Vice President. They used government resources to set up an Orwellian email address, firstname.lastname@example.org, to report “fishy” dissent about health-care reform to the Party’s political cops. Obama hired a “director of progressive media” named Jesse Lee, for a taxpayer-funded salary of $72,500, to open a Twitter account and harass reporters the White House doesn’t like, raising eyebrows from even liberal observers.
Now Obama for America has given conservatives a delightful new rubber mouse to bat around, even as special elections in New York and Nevada make it harder for the President to pursue his vital re-election strategy of raising taxes to buy votes. Big Brother is scary, but at least Little Brother is amusing, as well as disturbing. Can’t wait to hear the next Obama speech about how America has to come together!
Update: Barack Obama’s official Twitter account declares: “We’ve launched a new way to track and respond to attacks against President Obama: #AttackWatch. Check it out:http://www.attackwatch.com.” He sure is the President of all Americans, isn’t he?
Update: The #AttackWatch hash tag is simply the most fun you can have on Twitter at the moment. When Jimmie Bise Jr, wistfully wondered if he was being monitored yet, I told him, “Rest assured the existence of your blog has been noted by #AttackWatch, insurgent!”
This drew a prompt response from the Attack Watch mouseketeers: “No need for such inflammatory words.” I made sure to thank them for the belly laughs.
I also did my part for the Democrats’ new operation by Tweeting a helpful advisory: “If #AttackWatch goes down, please be patient! North Korean software takes a while to reboot!”
Update: Aw, heck, the response I mentioned wasn’t even from the real Attack Watch at all. It was some joker who slipped an extra “t” into the name to make a spoof account. I feel so woefully under-monitored now. I resolve to keep working to earn the surveillance I deserve!
Update: A friendly group of alert citizens helpfully provides a video advertisement for Attack Watch:
Update: The Washington Post notices the hilarity running amok on Twitter and declares Attack Watch “the laughing stock of the Internet.” I have, of course, reported them to Attack Watch.
Update: Dear God, this is still getting funnier. It turns out that in order to submit an “attack report” to Obama’s new Ministry of Truth, you have to make a donation to Obama’s re-election campaign.
Update: CBS News quoted me in their coverage of the Attack Watch circus. I’m deeply honored! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to report CBS to Attack Watch for their excellent “Operation Fast and Furious” coverage.