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Let Not Your Heart Be Troubled, Weiner’s Gonna Be Okay

 

This morning I read Michelle Malkin’s concerns about the future of disgraced Congressman Anthony Weiner, thrust at age 46 into a private sector where he has never worked before, without “a lot of marketable skills” by his own admission. 

 Like Malkin, I was deeply moved by Weiner’s plight.  How will he provide for the child on the way?  How can a man with no skills make up for the loss of a $150k salary, with unbelievable benefits, memorably including a huge staff and a taxpayer-funded gymnasium?

I would like to take a moment to put Michelle Malkin at ease, because I don’t want her concern for Weiner to interfere with her writing.  I can see her working on the idea for another great column… and then she’ll pull a package of hot dogs out of the fridge, or walk past the canned Vienna sausage at the grocery store… they’ll remind her of Weiner, and make her so upset that she’ll forget what she was going to write.

To borrow a phrase from Sean Hannity, let not your heart be troubled, Michelle.  Tony Weiner’s going to be just fine.

For starters, we taxpayers will be putting a cool million dollars in Weiner’s pocket after he formally resigns (which, by the way, he has not done yet.)  Roll Call tells us that an analysis by the National Taxpayers Union, “the New York Democrat’s pension and a savings plan lawmakers have access to similar to a 401(k) could be worth $1.12 million to $1.28 million.”  He’ll be able to start pulling a sweet $32,357 per year in pension benefits in ten years, or $46,224 per year, if he waits until he’s 62.

“Additionally,” Roll Call points out, “if Weiner aggressively invested in the Thrift Savings Plan, his balance would be roughly $216,000.”  That’s not going to pay for another nineteen people who do have real skills to handle his daily chores, but it’s not chump change, either.

“But what is poor Tony supposed to do for the next ten years?” you ask.  Fear not!  Job offers are already rolling in!  You see, the entire point of Weiner’s brand of socialist politics is that actual skills are entirely unnecessary for the well-connected, powerful member of the ruling class.  The “men of the people” always live in mansions, even though they never worked a day in their lives.

Weiner’s got a very nice offer on the table from porn impresario Larry Flynt, last heard musing that Sarah Palin’s son Trig is a “brain dead virtual vegetable.”  In the immortal words of Alec Baldwin, Weiner is a “high functioning man,” and Flynt can always use someone like him on the payroll. 

“After having learned of your sudden and compelled resignation from your Congressional post,” Flynt’s letter begins, “I would like to make you an offer of employment at Flynt Management Group, LLC in our internet group. As a Congressman, you are known for your intensity and perseverance. I believe that this attitude, combined with your service in the House of Representatives’ Committee on Energy and Commerce, will make you a valuable asset to this corporation.”

Not only will Weiner be a smooth fit with Flynt’s philosophy, but he’ll make out like a bandit.  “This offer is not made in jest,” Flynt assures the New Face of the Democrat Party.  “To show our sincerity, Flynt Management Group, LLC is willing to pay twenty percent more than your former Congressional salary, ensuring that your medical benefits would be equal to what you were previously receiving. While you will have to relocate to our corporate offices in Beverly Hills, California, we would pay for all relocation costs.”

Why would Weiner be worth that kind of bread to Larry Flynt?  For the same reason Weiner will probably land a lucrative lobbying position, if he decides not to take Flynt’s offer: political clout.  Weiner might be a laughingstock and appalling disgrace in the eyes of the American people, but he’s still got 20 years’ worth of political connections, many of which he inherited from his Jurassic mentor, Chuck Schumer.

“We are a serious corporation which, as you know, has been heavily involved in the political environment of this country for over thirty-five years,” Flynt declares.  “Our key missions have consistently included the crucial fight of battling hypocrisy within the federal and state governments.  Flynt Management Group, LLC and Hustler Magazine have been dedicated to decades of serious political commentary. Just as we do not undertake insincere political crusades, we do not make insincere job offers.” 

Of course, if porn magazines and Congressional lobbying don’t work out for Weiner, he can still land a job with a major news organization, just like Eliot Spitzer.  No degree of embarrassment will close off that opportunity for a liberal in good standing.  Just look at Keith Olbermann, who turned up last night on Jimmy Fallon’s show to babble like a lunatic about how House Speaker John Boehner’s name sounds like “boner.”  If Olbermann is employable, then Anthony Weiner sure as hell is.

Don’t worry about Anthony Weiner.  He’s going to be just fine.  The ruling class will not suffer from the new Depression it has created, no matter how utterly it betrays the public trust, or how clearly it demonstrates its own uselessness.

 

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Written By

John Hayward began his blogging career as a guest writer at Hot Air under the pen name "Doctor Zero," producing a collection of essays entitled Doctor Zero: Year One. He is a great admirer of free-market thinkers such as Arthur Laffer, Milton Friedman, and Thomas Sowell. He writes both political and cultural commentary, including book and movie reviews. An avid fan of horror and fantasy fiction, he has produced an e-book collection of short horror stories entitled Persistent Dread. John is a former staff writer for Human Events. He is a regular guest on the Rusty Humphries radio show, and has appeared on numerous other local and national radio programs, including G. Gordon Liddy, BattleLine, and Dennis Miller.

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