In his foreign policy speech yesterday, President Obama declared that Syrian dictator Bashar Assad faces an inevitable transition to democracy for his captive people, and has a choice: “He can lead that transition, or get out of the way.”
“What an intriguing notion,” Assad mused to himself. “Oh, well. I guess I’d better just surrender to the inevitable and… hey, wait a minute! I’m a freaking brutal dictator. I have a third option: I could just murder all the people reaching for their rights!”
This led to ten more unarmed protesters being cut down by Syrian “security forces.” According to a Fox News report, the secret police tried running the demonstrators down with their cars first. When that didn’t work, they jumped out and started blasting away with small arms. One of the victims was reportedly an 11-year-old boy.
The Assad regime is peeved that Obama left the “kill everyone who opposes me” option out of his blueprint for the dictator’s future. The Syrian government issued a statement saying “Obama’s speech confirms the reality of American intervention in the internal affairs of the region’s countries, including Syria.”
Translation: “Look, buddy, we’ll leave you alone to eat your waffles in peace, if you butt out of our mass graves.” Good thing Obama didn’t do anything really provocative, such as openly declare Assad an illegitimate tyrant guilty of crimes against his people! That would have really irked him, and absolutely ruined our chances of convincing him to lead the democratic transformation of Syria.