The audience of the California-based Family Radio Network have calculated that this Saturday, May 21, will be Judgment Day.
Actually, Judgment Day lasts for five months, which is the kind of time dilation only God and National Public Radio can produce. During this five month ordeal, those who are saved will be taken into Heaven, where there are no more “Pirates of the Caribbean” sequels, and never were.
The rest of us get to suffer “unspeakable suffering,” according to a CNN report. This will almost certainly include endless speeches from politicians either denying that Judgment Day has occurred, or taking credit for causing it.
The impending end of the world is bad news for most of us, but it’s especially hard on Osama bin Laden, currently rehearsing for his role in a grim Tim Burton-directed sequel to “The Little Mermaid.” The man worked so hard to bring about Armageddon, and he gets killed just a few scant weeks before he would have been able to watch it happen. He would have loved the opportunity to wallow in unspeakable suffering for five months. What a shame.
Speaking of bin Laden, al-Qaeda has released a final pre-recorded message from beyond the grave, in which the former al-Qaeda leader says of the “Arab Spring” series of revolutions that he likes it, he loves it, and he wants more of it. He sees it as a prelude to building the kind of world al-Qaeda desires, where no one would really notice the beginning of Judgment Day, because the worldwide unspeakable suffering would already be in progress.
“I think that the winds of change will blow over the entire Muslim world, with permission from Allah,” ventures bin Laden in the tape. “So what are you waiting for?” Well, they’re obviously waiting for that permission from Allah. Watching all those porno tapes in his Pakistan hideout must have really dulled the old terrorist’s wits.
Authorities are still working to confirm the authenticity of this tape, although CNN notes “a message with similar topics was seized at bin Laden’s Pakistan compound during the May 2 raid by U.S. commandos.” You can hear some of the tape and a translation in this clip (hat tip to The Right Scoop.)