IMF Chief Resigns

IMF chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn resigned his position today, in the wake of his arrest for allegedly committing sexual assault against a hotel maid. 

Strauss-Kahn, a 62-year-old French citizen, is currently being held in a carefully isolated cell on Riker’s Island in New York.  His lawyers want him released into comfortable detention at his daughter’s home in New York, where he would wear an electronic monitor, which would stop functioning the moment he cleared American airspace. 

This guy is the greatest flight risk in human history, with a haughty and slobbering European elite just itching to give him sanctuary, to make a bold statement against “American Puritanism,” as French journalist Philippe Boulet-Gercourt called it in a snotty Time editorial.  Roman Polanski is already wondering which cognac to serve after DSK’s first dinner at his house.  Strauss-Kahn was nabbed in the first-class section of an international flight.  The cops only caught up with him because he left his cell phone in his $3000 hotel suite, after discovering the limits of Sofitel’s renowned room service.  If he’s granted bail, he’ll probably never set foot in an American courtroom.

The screed by Boulet-Gercourt is a fascinating window into the childlike thought processes of the spoiled Europeans who fancy themselves our betters.  DSK has supposedly “discovered a new face of America, a face which will have no compassion for an all-powerful man charged with sexual assault and attempted rape.”  We’d probably have more compassion for Strauss-Kahn if he didn’t have a long history of doing this sort of thing, and hadn’t been arrested during a panicked escape attempt.

“If proven guilty, Strauss-Kahn will have difficulty remaining out of prison, and relentless media pressure in the US will certainly make sure that he gets a heavy sentence,” sighs Boulet-Gercourt.  “At the very best, he will be called a ‘sex addict’.  That was what happened to the golfer Tiger Woods.”  No, what happened to Tiger Woods is that he was a sex addict, and his wife found out about it.  I’m sure she called him a lot of things after that.

In his short letter of resignation, Strauss-Kahn denies “with the greatest possible firmness all of the allegations that have been made against me,” and he wants “to protect this institution which I have served with honor and devotion, and especially – especially – I want to devote all my strength, all my time, and all my energy to proving my innocence.”

He might need all that especial, especial energy once the fast-tracked DNA tests come back in a couple of days.  Investigators are testing pieces of carpet for evidence of DSK’s seed, which might have been scattered around during the struggle.  According to the Associated Press, investigators are also “looking at the maid’s keycard to determine whether she used it to enter the room, and how long she was there.”  That must have taken a good ten seconds.

A struggle to replace Strauss-Kahn is already under way, with the Europeans trying to keep his office away from the representatives of developing nations, such as the one his Sofitel maid immigrated from.  Meanwhile, the former chief of the International Monetary Fund sits in his forlorn cell in Riker’s Island, where he is said to be on suicide watch, just like Greece.