Trump In Vegas

Donald Trump happened to be wandering through the Trump International Hotel in Las Vegas on Thursday night.  When he noticed the hotel was named after him, he asked if he could try out a little presidential stump speech on a randomly selected crowd.  Management consulted the owner of the hotel, who said it would be okay, so The Donald mounted the stage.

As reported by Fox News, Trump’s 30-minute speech covered Libya, Iraq, China, Afghanistan, education policy toward our children, the education of our political leadership, tariffs, health care, and of course the Birth Certificate.  He did this by deploying enough F-bombs to level Damascus, if F-bombs could actually fly into buildings and explode.  An edited video clip of Trump’s performance appears below.

In the spirit of A Christmas Story, and as a tribute to the great Darren McGavin, I will relay some of Trump’s choicer quotes by replacing the curse words with harmless alternatives.

On education, Trump complained that we’re building schools in Iraq, while “in the meantime we can’t get a featherbedding school in Brooklyn.” 

Of gas prices, he said, “We have nobody in Washington that sits back and said, you’re not going to raise that flapping price.”

To China, he declared, “Listen, you motherhuggers, we’re going to tax you 25 percent.”  If Trump wins the Oval Office, those fan-dancing butterscotches in Beijing will never know what hit them.

He also said “our leaders are stupid, stupid people,” but he did it without using any salty language.  Something tells me he’s going to insist on seeing those Obama school records.

Fox mentioned that entertainment at the event included a Trump impersonator, which highlights an important advantage of a possible Trump presidency: we’d be able to save a lot of money on presidential security, because an army of Trump impersonators would stand ready to serve as decoys.  Assassinating the real President Trump would be harder than taking out Ernst Stavro Blofeld.

Political analysts were quick to judge that Trump’s casino speech would help his presidential campaign, because until now, his big problem has been that he’s not flamboyant enough.