It’s that time of the year again—chocolate hearts, flowers, mushy cards, and romantic dinners are the talk of the town. That’s right, Valentine’s Day is just around the corner. And rather than write you a love letter—I’m really more of a boot camp/horror film kind of girl—I’ve decided to offer some advice on how to avoid having the Left ruin your February 14.
Nix the singing telegram. I know, you already bought the teddy bear costume and practiced whatever cheesy song was playing in the background on your first date. But do you have any idea how much carbon dioxide will be leaving your mouth while you sing? Sorry, kiddo, but that’s an EPA violation just waiting to happen.
Beware of violence-inciting Cupid. He looks awfully cute on cards, with those little wings and underpants, but make sure you stay clear of that weapon-bearing god. Or else the Daily Kos is coming for you, you bow-and-arrow-loving right-winger.
Don’t be a plant killer. You can buy the roses, but be sure to pick up some planting soil while you’re at it. That’s right, you better get those colorful suckers right back into the ground before the environmentalists come knocking. You know how leftists have no tolerance for murder. Fetuses aside.
Forget the lingerie and silk boxers. You can’t be sporting that stuff in a cold apartment. And cranking up the heat so you can usher in half-dressed sexy moves will surely earn you a figurative spanking from Al Gore. (Right after he turns up his thermostat, that is.)
Money is tricky. Simple tip to avoiding the wrath of a leftist: Don’t go making the rich richer. If the person you are giving money to earns less than you, you’re good to go. But otherwise, it’s a no-no. Somewhere Paul Krugman is already getting upset.
Don’t consume too much. That includes dinner, chocolates, flowers, and alcohol. Also, shut off those darn lights. And for heaven’s sake, is that wrapping paper in the corner?
Is your gift lefty-approved? If you’ve bought a gift, you’ve already violated anti-consumerist lefty rule No. 1. But perhaps you’ve added insult to injury. Let’s hope you drew that card on tree-free paper and that the necklace you bought was made out of recycled gold. Oh, no. Did you—gasp—just book a bed and breakfast with a high-flow showerhead? You’re in trouble now.
Let’s not reinforce gender stereotypes. The feminazis are watching. So ladies, get out of the kitchen. Too bad if you like to cook. Men, you’re allowed to cook, but stop opening those car doors for your dates. I don’t care if you’re just being polite—Gloria Steinem is waiting in the wings with an “Old-School Gentleman” penalty card. (I’m still figuring out the rules for gay folks, but I’ll keep you posted.)
And most importantly …
Don’t offend the valentine-less. No kissing, groping, or love talk when in the company of those who appear valentine-less. If they cry and/or suffer emotional damage due to your overt, love-struck happiness, it will be all your fault. And be sure to wear your “Having a Valentine Doesn’t Validate Me” T-shirt.
Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone.
P.S. Hide your candy before Michelle Obama snatches it up. She’s just looking out for you, keeping your waistlines trim. Plus, she may need that candy for a Valentine’s Day party at the White House.