EXCLUSIVE: The Secret Details Of Al Qaeda's Official Magazine

Nine young men of a common religion were charged in the United Kingdom over the Christmas holidays with plotting to blow up various lovely tourist sites ranging from Big Ben, Westminster Abbey and the London Eye. In what could have been Hollywood’s Pearl Harbor moment in this fight against Islamic extremism, an attack on the Church of Scientology may have also been thwarted by British authorities.

During their searches, police reportedly found two issues of an English language al Qaeda magazine called “Inspire,” published in Yemen. The Telegraph newspaper in Britain reports that articles recovered in the raid included titles like “How to make a pipe bomb in the kitchen of your mom,” and “What to expect in jihad.” So hilariously subtle!

Curious about this heretofore unheard of “Cigar Aficionado” for jihadists, and wanting to know more about their source of information and inspiration as published and sent direct from al Qaeda, I went searching for a few more issues — and found them online at Public Intelligence’s website. Both government officials and terrorism specialists consider them to be authentic al Qaeda publications, although Public Intelligence recommends scrutiny. In any case, articles from these issues were reportedly found in the British suspects’ possession.

A “special issue” was published in November 2010, because apparently the average issue isn’t quite special enough. Focusing on “Operation Hemorrhage” — the explosion of a UPS plane after takeoff from Dubai airport in September 2010 — the issue opens by bragging about their cost savings in the operation, a bargain basement blowout at $4,200.

Next, an editorial signed by “Al Qaeda in the Arabian Peninsula” explains how they did it — by sending explosive packages (one each) through both UPS and FedEx, one blowing up upon leaving Dubai and the other making it to London before being intercepted on a tip from the Saudis. The editorial laments that the American media didn’t properly credit al Qaeda with the attack. The editorial questions whether President Obama is willfully ignorant, incompetent or just clueless: “We would like to ask: Why didn’t the enemy reveal the truth about what happened with the downed UPS plane? Is it because the enemy could not discover why the plane was brought down? Or was it because the Obama Administration wanted to conceal the truth so it doesn’t expose the failure of his administration especially [in] that it was during an election season?”

Sounds exactly like how MSNBC used to talk about the George W. Bush administration: “Was he politically motivated? Or just stoopid?!” In any case, al Qaeda concludes that because they didn’t get proper credit, they’re just going to lay low and repeat the act. So much for the theory that if you just ignore them, they’ll fade away.

Al Qaeda also has a bone to pick with the Saudi government for “interfering” with this special delivery meant for “Jewish synagogues” and “proving their love for Jews” in the process.

They brag that their confidence in the mission’s success was so great that they dropped a copy of Charles Dickens’ novel “Great Expectations” into one of the packages. Claiming that both packages were destined for synagogues in Chicago (“Obama’s city”), they singled out a “gay and lesbian” synagogue for one of them. Presumably just to be extra hateful.

Next up is Ikrimah Al-Muhajir of the “Explosives Department” with the “technical details”: “We have been blessed by Allah to be able to sidestep the metal detection equipment. That capability was a result of avoiding the use of metal altogether in our detonators. We have developed five such detonators.” A photo of an airport body scanner accompanying the detailed construction and composition of the explosives features the caption: “Metal detectors are amateurish.”

A 67-page “2010 summer issue” of the magazine features a one-page “collection of quotes from friend and foe” around the world — with one such “friend” apparently being late-night comedian David Letterman, who joked, “In [George W. Bush’s book] ‘Decision Points,’ he will reveal all the bad decisions and mistakes that George Bush made as president. This is Volume One.”

Letterman would perhaps be touched to know that by including him in this section, al Qaeda considers him a political leader on par with French President Nicolas Sarkozy, U.S. Secretary of Defense Bill Gates and King Abdullah of Jordan. Jon Stewart will be jealous.

Osama bin Laden himself weighs in on Page 8 with an essay titled, “The Way To Save The Earth.” Perhaps someone told him the theme is a sure-fire shortcut to a Nobel Peace Prize. Bin Laden attacks “Bush Junior” on “global warming,” and adds that Noam Chomsky is right in identifying capitalists as “the real terrorists.”

And on Page 33 begins the eight-page mom’s kitchen pipe-bomb recipe from the “Al Qaeda Chef,” followed by the things-to-expect-in-jihad article, which lists language barrier; culture blending; bring a friend; and pack light because you’ll be moving around a lot.

One of the editions has a list of emails at the end, in case anyone wants to contact or contribute to the publication. But they take care to add they’ve been having problems getting to their email lately. Forget email — why at this point do these guys have access to oxygen? Is someone keeping these psycho clowns around for comic value?