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The California Mystery Missile


The Internet is buzzing with speculation about the mysterious missile launch that occurred off the coast of southern California on Monday night.  The launch was highly visible from land, and captured on news cameras, immediately ruling out swamp gas and mass hysteria as likely explanations.

NORAD and NORTHCOM assured the media there was no threat, and the event was not a launch by a foreign power.  However, the Pentagon would not confirm this assessment, and stated it had no idea who launched the missile.  There were no warnings to air or sea traffic in advance of the launch, making it unlikely to be a U.S. military test firing, although such tests have been conducted in the same general area before.  Former Deputy Defense Secretary Robert Ellsworth told CBS News “it could be a test-firing of an intercontinental ballistic missile from a submarine … to demonstrate, mainly to Asia, that we can do that,” even though most of the world was already quite certain we could do that.

America now eagerly awaits unanimous agreement from all sectors of our defense apparatus that the missile was no threat, and a renewed promise not to scare the heck out of everyone by launching missiles 35 miles off the U.S. coast without warning.  Meanwhile, speculation about the missile trail ranges from theories that it might have been a jet contrail viewed at a strange angle, to a demonstration of force from a rogue nation, or possibly China, which holds so much of our national debt that it may now feel entitled to use California as a missile testing range.  Hopefully the government will offer more information soon.