Unsure what to wear this Halloween? Thought of a Lady Gaga meat-suit have you down? Not skinny enough to be a Chilean miner? Well, look no further. Human Events has just the costume for you. Because what could be scarier to liberals than a little political incorrectness?
You can dress up as…
Nancy Pelosi’s Botox Needle—Supplies: extra large funnel (for hat/syringe tip), silver pipe cleaner (for needle), all white outfit. Activities: offer fellow partiers a “touch up” at no charge—after all, with Obamacare, everything will soon be free! Bonus: in a pinch, your headgear also doubles as a send up to Greenpeace. Caught at some libby party with severely intoxicated Keith Olbermann fans? Tell them you’re an endangered Narwhale and let the sympathy drinks begin!
White House Party Crasher—Supplies: Indian Sari (or over-priced Georgetown boutique skirt suit) + blond wig with split ends. Activities: this is your chance to attend that great party you heard about on 9th Street, but weren’t invited to! Ha. In fact, you won’t be going to any parties you were invited to. If you know the host, the event is off limits. Extra points for evading security (or at the least, doormen). Tip: if you’re caught, scream, “Whoopi Goldberg assaulted me!” and run away.
The Washington Bubble—Supplies: Place a large plastic bubble over your head. Activities: shout, “WHAT? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!!?!” whenever anyone outside the bubble attempts to strike up a conversation. Be sure to avoid the middle class, the working class, the unemployed, and Sarah Palin. Under no circumstances think about re-election. Downside: unlike Barney Frank, you’ll find it’s tough to drink while inside your bubble.
NASA Ambassador To Islam—Supplies: pocket protector, Texas Instruments calculator, short sleeve button-down shirt. Activities: build space shuttles, land men on the moon, track asteroids, launch satellites, explore Mars, search the galaxy for new stars, and… huh. Conversation tip: mention that you saw Pakistan once while monitoring a weather satellite. Things looked pretty good down there.
“Rent Is Too Damn High” Party Leader—Supplies: white beard replete with dueling mustachios, sense of hubris, black gloves, and a T-shirt that reads, “Did you hear my stomach!?” Tip: when conversing about your platform, or the Yankees game, neglect to point out that you don’t actually pay rent.
Carbon Off-Set, Off-Set—Supplies: soot, one can hair spray, one box of cigars. Activities: Drop in on the Halloween party down the street, the one hosted by the neighbor who announced his birthday gift was $500 worth of carbon off-sets for his hybrid SUV (no word if he purchased water off-sets for the Mississippi Delta that emerges every time he waters the lawn). Spray a little aerosol around, and be sure to sit your sooty self on the couch made of recycled bottles. Tip: Turn on the bathroom faucets before you leave.
Jobless Person—Mugged by the recession? You’ll show HR initiative! Supplies: resume, business cards, your best suit. Activities: grab the DJ’s mic and announce a special opportunity to reduce the number of America’s jobless by one. Then shower the dance floor with business card confetti. Tip: Corporate parties are best.
High “Freaktose” Corn Syrup—Supplies: a bag of candy (be sure to check the nutrition label; high numbers in the right-hand column are preferred). Activities: This is a great one for scaring the grown-ups. Whip out the M&Ms and Lifesavers and watch parents flee in terror from the Freddy Krueger of additives. After their hasty departure, give candy to the grateful kids. Tip: If you have an old trans-fat costume or carb suit left over from the last decade, this is your chance to re-wear it. No one can tell the difference between these stupid fads any way.
Have a Happy (and safe!) Halloween!