After Glenn Beck’s slam-dunk Restoring Honor Rally in D.C., I started receiving emails from “Christians” denouncing Glenn as a heretical foul weed who was somehow going to get me and everyone else under his spell to …
Move to Utah
• Enroll our college kids at Brigham Young
• Buy the Big Love Collector’s Edition
• Get our wives to wear petticoats, dispense with their makeup, and birth litters of children
• Hang a portrait of Elizabeth Smart next to our dinner table
• Wear magic underwear
• And believe the specious nonsense that Jesus dropped down from his post-resurrection celestial perch at the right hand of the Father during the 1800s for a brief (but intimate) U.S. only “From Hell-N-Back Tour” launched from the porch of Joey Smith’s New York casa.
Hey! Jedediah! Relax, dude. What I have heard and have been hearing from Beck for a long time doesn’t make me want to renounce orthodox Christianity, put on a white short-sleeved button down shirt (accessorized with a skinny black tie) and ride a mountain bike from house to house during these sweltering south Florida summers. Okay, freak boy?
That said, it wouldn’t be too bad of an idea for the plump Beck detractors to get on a bike and get some exercise because some of you evangelical piss-n-moaners are sportin’ some seriously chunky butts. Yeah, I would remind thee, obese brethren, that the glutton is condemned as well as the heretic. So, quit blogging and start jogging and Call 1-800-Jenny. But I digress.
I would like to go on record as one of the most important evangelicals known to mankind (and animals and aquatic creatures) that Beck, from a cultural mandate perspective, is doing the dew, unlike most of you. Maybe if evangelicals would grow some cojones God would start using them.
Yep, as far as I’m concerned, señor Glenn is stemming the tide of rank secularism, combating Islamic fundamentalism, fighting for our vanishing religious liberties and exposing those who loathe the Judeo-Christian heritage upon which our great American experiment was founded, and for that … I salute him.
And not only is he auguring for our cherished, Bible-backed liberties, but he has also been calling our nation to repentance, faith, hope and charity! Geez, people, what more can you guys ask for? Oh, and another thing that is weird for a “die-hard Mormon,” as his pooh-poohers describe him: He’s blowing this national shofar with major evangelical heavyweights such as David Barton, John Hagee and Harry Jackson.
Look, at this stage of the game, I’d back Carrot Top calling our nation to its knees and back to God. God has always been in the business of using the weird, off-kilter wildcards to call nations to repentance. Duh.
For instance, God mightily used …
• Abraham, who had sex with his maid and had a problem with lying
• Moses, who killed a dude, beat the crap out of rocks, and had Jackie Brown for a wife
• Samson, who dated a hooker
• David, who bumped uglies with Bathsheba and then had her husband, Uriah, offed
• Nebuchadnezzar, who was so whacked he makes BHO look like Justin Bieber
• Peter, an ignorant, cursing first century fisherman (who dipped in and out of doctrinal purity) to evangelize the world
• Martin Luther, an OCD monk, to shake this planet and drive us back to Sola Scriptura
And you know what, whiners? God’s mightily using Beck. Who’d a thunk it? I tell you who did not foresee Christ’s crazy usage of Beck: None of the “prophets” on TBN ever prophesied Glenn would hammer hell like he is. Yep, good old Yahweh is rocking the States via an ex-drunk who’s a part of the Mormon Church.
Aw, what’s the matter, Beck critic? Did you want it to be you Jesus uses? Boo-hoo. Here’s a tissue for your narcissistic issues.
Now, for the record before I end this screed, I say all the incendiary stuff above from a theological perspective that is “catholic” in that it reaffirms the doctrines of historic Christian orthodoxy; this theology is “evangelical” in that it affirms with historic Protestantism such vital doctrines as Sola Scriptura and Sola Fide; and lastly, my theology is “reformed” in that, in addition to catholic and evangelical doctrine, the distinctive doctrines of the Reformers such as Luther, Calvin and Knox flesh out my beliefs. In other words, I take doctrine seriously.
Not only do I take doctrine seriously (and thus the errors of Mormonism), but I also follow the Scriptures’ command to walk patiently with people, and this includes Glenn Beck. That’s easy for me because first of all, I do not know how much he really embraces or denies Mormon doctrine. Secondly, I haven’t seen him jam Joseph Smith down anyone’s throat—ever.
My advice is to pray for the dude. I can’t imagine the weight he must be under, and he sure seems like a brother to me. Whatever you want to say about Glenn, he is obviously earnest; he’s spurring this nation to God and to public worship; and he’s under a constant threat of death for defying the forces that are destroying this nation while you blog in your pajamas in your dank basement.
Get a life.