How to Understand a Liberal: A Dictionary, Part 2

Continuing our journey into understanding what a liberal really means when they vomit up their misleading rhetoric, this installment of the Liberal Dictionary will tackle some of a liberal’s favorite subjects: President George W. Bush, the media, capitalism, poverty, and 9/11.

When a liberal says ‘President George W. Bush:’ “The reason why our country is in the poor shape it’s in, is President Bush!”

What they mean: “Boy, we’re really screwing things up since we took control of the Congress and presidency. We need to quickly deflect attention from our failures by blaming the previous administration. They no longer have the forum we have, so they’ll hardly be able to combat our spin and lies. Speaking of President Bush, he’s stupid isn’t he? He’s just not a smart guy—although, we won’t let that stop us from implying he’s led huge, complex conspiracies to go to war against Saddam Hussein. It doesn’t make much sense, but we’re lucky the mainstream media doesn’t question us! Phew!’

When a liberal says ‘Media bias:’ “There is no liberal media bias. That’s something conservatives make up when they get rightfully trashed by the mainstream!”

What they mean: “Of course there is a bias, but since the media love everything we say and do, and seldom criticize us, we’re going to pretend there isn’t a problem. We can virtually do no wrong in their eyes, so why would we agree that they offer shoddy, unfair reporting? They target conservatives, our enemies! We’ve got a great deal! Look at Keith Olbermann—he never books guests on his show that disagrees with him! He spews out so many lies, half-truths and propaganda for us—you think we’re going to question how they conduct their business? Please. But with Fox News, we should point out that they’re all evil right wingers who want to destroy America!”

When a liberal says ‘Faux News:’ “Fox News? You mean Faux News! They’re not a real news network and we shouldn’t take them seriously.”

What they mean: ‘I’m really upset that Fox pulls in so many viewers with their reporting and I really have to question their credibility as a news source so they stop informing so many people. Why can’t people tune into MSNBC? They shill for us every day and I don’t want the American people getting a fair look at issues! I hope that by repeatedly questioning their credibility, I’ll be able to convince people they should go elsewhere for news. I really need to email my friends at Media Matters so they can make up some phony controversy about how Sean Hannity is a Klansmen, or Bill O’Reilly beats up his interns!”

When a liberal says ‘Capitalism:’ “I support capitalism, but I just want it to be more equal.”

What they mean: ‘I hate capitalism. I think it’s deeply flawed because it doesn’t necessarily allow for handouts to people who don’t work as hard as some. I think everyone should be paid the same and treated the same, regardless of the quality of their work. I once took a course on Socialism and Communism at Occidental College and then again as a graduate student at UC Berkeley, and that system seemed pretty groovy. No, I can’t really remember what I read—in fact, if pressed on the spot, I wouldn’t be able to even define those terms, but I do remember feeling all warm and fuzzy inside during the lectures so they’ve just got to be better than capitalism!’

When a liberal says ‘Poverty:’ “Poverty is a very serious concern of mine and we must address it! No man, woman or child should be poor and hungry in this great country of mine.”

What they mean: ‘I really do feel sad when I see poor people, but truth be told, they frighten me like the dickens. When I see a homeless person asking for money on an off-ramp to the freeway, I roll up my windows and check to make sure my doors are locked. I’m not giving them money because they’ll spend it on booze or drugs!  I know there are a lot of poor people who aren’t homeless, who get out to vote and I want them to think I give a damn about their struggles so they keep putting liberals into office. Sure, I can help the poor and homeless by supporting programs that inspire and train them, but I’d rather make sure the government gives them unemployment checks because it will keep them unmotivated to get an actual job. They’ll see evil Republicans try to cut their unemployment and punish them during the next election cycle.’

When a liberal says ‘9/11:’ ‘Republicans need to stop using 9/11 as a tool during election cycles! It’s shameful that they use it to fear-monger and get people to support them.’

What they mean: “I’m so upset that the American people feel safer with Republicans in office than Democrats, so I have to do whatever I can to get national security off the table and out of the minds of voters. 9/11 keeps showing the country that we face real threats, and if they feel unsafe they’d never elect Democrats because, frankly, we haven’t a clue how to protect this country. Sure, we give great speeches that inspire but we all know we don’t live in a perfect world where everyone gets along—and that scares me. Quick, shift the discussion to something we know how to handle… like… well… hmm. What do we know how to handle? Ah, screw it. Someone get President Obama out there to speak about his dreams and other crap that seems to inspire saps.”