How to Understand a Liberal: A Dictionary, Part 1

Understanding a liberal can be difficult.

It’s a dizzying and frustrating task to decipher what they really mean when they shout out their rhetoric, their snazzy phrases, and meaningless, faux-academic diction.
What do feminists mean when they talk about “social constructs” in relation to gender? What do some activists mean when they call you a “heterosexist” or when they label society “hetero-normative”? What do lefties mean when they talk about “investing in our nation’s future”?

You no longer need a useless degree in liberal arts education to understand what the far left means when they say the crazy things that tumble out of their traps. Here is a simple to use liberal-to-English dictionary. Learn what liberals really mean when they use a phrase or keyword.

When liberals say ‘Diversity:’ “I support diversity! I love diversity!”

What they mean: “I’m white and I hate myself. I need to surround myself with a diverse group of people but not because I seek to learn different cultures or understand different perspectives. I need these people because it assuages my white guilt. I feel non-whites are particularly stupid so I pretend to give them advantages and pretend to ‘understand’ where they’re coming from, so that they can support liberal politicians, who, in turn, will pretend to help them but actually hold them back. As a liberal, I don’t think non-whites are equal to me—I just pretend to think that.”

When liberals say ‘Invest:’ “I want to invest resources in the lower and middle class so that they can fully accomplish the American Dream.”

What they mean: “I want to systematically perform a redistribution of wealth so that the rich—who I envy for their ability to work hard and enjoy the treasures of their labor—end up paying for everyone else, particularly those who I view as second-class citizens: the poor. I have no faith in the American people and think the only way someone can move up in this world is through my charity.”

When liberals say ‘Global Citizen:’ “It’s time to realize that as global citizens, we need to better understand where other countries are coming from.”

What they mean: “I hate America so much that I feel embarrassed to say I’m an American citizen. I don’t value what this country has to offer and even though I wouldn’t dare move to another country, I’ll criticize it nevertheless. We all need to be one global community because America has too much power. I hate that. I need a hug—a big, global hug.”

When liberals say ‘Feminist:’ “I’m a feminist and I believe that women are equal to men!”

What they mean: “I love it when women are liberal and I want them to have everything that men have—and then some. But not if a woman is conservative or holds different views from me. There is no room in feminism for women who don’t think the way the National Organization of Women thinks. Sarah Palin? She’s a lowly housewife and hockey mom who got lucky and was elected to head a second-rate state. Michelle Bachmann? She’s a nut job with crazy eyes! Ann Coulter? Well, I better stay away from insulting her because she can debate me into oblivion.”

When liberals say ‘Support Israel:’ “I’m a big supporter of Israel and I will stand behind our ally forever.”

What they mean: “Jews overwhelmingly vote for Democrats and so I should probably claim to support their homeland. However, truth be told, while I like Jewish people, I find the Israelis to be oppressors. What gives them the right to fight back against Hamas, a peaceful organization just trying to survive?”

When the liberals say ‘Support African American rights:’ “Whether through affirmative action or more community programs, we must support the rights of African Americans.”

What they mean: “I feel bad for black people because of what my ancestors did to their ancestors. I need to make up for it because blacks haven’t been able to overcome the obstacles slavery caused. I’d like to think they can make it in this country without a helping hand, but I’m actually racist and don’t think they’re smart enough. I truly love black people, but I don’t want one dating my daughter.”

When liberals say ‘Heteronormative’ or ‘Heterosexist:’ “We really need to change our heterosexist society that values heterosexuals more than our gay and lesbian friends.”

What they mean: “My college Women Center passed out literature saying it’s okay for a someone to dress as a woman and use a woman’s bathroom having a male sex organ and surgically implanted breasts, and go by the name Ezmerelda. So now I’m going to support that.”

When liberals say ‘I support our President.’

What they mean: “I support our President no matter what he says or does because he’s black.”

When liberals say ‘Environmentalism:’ “I live an eco-friendly lifestyle because I believe in the tenets of environmentalism. We don’t have to savage the Earth to live a comfortable lifestyle.”

What they mean: “Despite shoddy science, I am clinging to a belief in global warming. If I admitted that the science isn’t there yet and that there have been significant errors in developing climate theory, I’d look like a real idiot. So at this point, I will insist that we completely change our nation—impacting everything from the economy to how we get to work every day—to save face. Ideally, we’ll have a huge heat blast that will kill millions of people. That will make me happy because then I can say, ‘I told ya so!’ Oh, and I’m sorry but I’m sticking with two-ply toilet tissue, environment be damned.”

When liberals say ‘Immigration Reform:’ “I support a comprehensive and fair immigration-reform policy.”

What they mean: “I don’t care that illegal immigrants break the law because if they become citizens, they’ll vote to keep liberals like me in power. I don’t care that some businesses abuse their illegal-immigrant workforce with harsh conditions and low wages. I’ll pretend that I support comprehensive reform when all I want is amnesty and more votes for liberals.”