Al Gore: The Sex-Crazed Poodle

A masseuse alleged that Al Gore sexually harassed her back in 2006, when the former Vice President was getting a massage during a stay at an upscale Portland hotel. The allegations, if true, reveal a darker, even more disturbing side of the King of Ice. We combed through the police report and picked out the (dirty) Top Ten. In your opinion, what’s the most depraved sexual advance Mr. Gore was claimed to have made?

1) “And he came over to where I was while I was trying to pack up and then he wrapped me in an inescapable embrace as I turned around giving me this ‘come hither’ look deep into my eyes and caressed my back and buttocks and breasts.”

2) “I squirmed to try and get out of his grasp, telling him to stop, don’t, several times and I finally told him and said, ‘You’re being a crazed sex poodle,’ hoping that he’d realize how weird he was being, yet he persisted.”

3) “And I realized that resistance was making him giggle and pursue more strongly. And I knew then that this resistance was a dangerous tactic to use if I wanted to avoid being raped.”

4) “And he poured it [Grand Marnier] into a wine or brandy glass after which taking a sip, he pushed it to my lips as he cornered me with a big, seduction smile.”

5) “I could feel what seemed to be an erection from him. Lest he be further encouraged and aroused by seeing me look down and I did not want to look anyway as he repulsed me.”

6) “He had a dramatic display of violent temper as well as extremely dictatorial-commanding attitude besides his Mr. Smiley Global Warming concern persona.”

7) “I broke away from him and firmly with even more distress said loudly, ‘Stop it.’ And disturbingly he giggled some more. He’s getting off on it.”

8) “Um, he just giggled and acted like I was teasing him and I had to physically struggle and wrench around to throw him off my body so I could stop being squashed and breathe again.”

9) “We lay on our sides a couple feet apart, looking at each other as he played the song, him singing along with it as if he were revealing deep feelings like some bizarre karaoke and me stuck there, staring at this unpredictable predator, wondering how to get loose and get away.”

10) “He pleaded, grabbed me, engulfed me in embrace, tongue kissed me, massaged me, groped my breasts, and painfully squeezed my nipples through my clothing, pressed his pelvis against mine, rubbed my buttocks with his hands and fingers and rubbed himself against my crotch, saying You know you want to do it.”

11) “He rubbed strawberry-flavored popsicles all over his body, and did things to the stash of ice I had in my freezer that no man should ever do with his private parts.”

(Okay, so # 11 wasn’t in the police report, but it’s not that far fetched, huh?)