De Pasquale's Dozen: Greg Gutfeld

There is only one legitimate reason to brag about having Tivo: “Red Eye w/ Greg Gutfeld” on Fox News at 3 a.m. Though Gutfeld doubts his political credentials, his new book, The Bible of Unspeakable Truths, contains more political insight than the best 200 pages from any cable news pundit.

Prior to hosting “Red Eye,” Gutfeld wrote for several magazines, including Men’s Health, Stuff and Maxim UK. For more biographical information, I suggest Wikipedia. For more on unicorns, read on.

Gutfeld fans love him for his orchestrated randomness. Unicorns, Geddy Lee, houseboys, lotion and lemurs all make appearances in his latest book and in his "Gregalogues"—his show’s monologues.

In 2007, he explained his strategy at a Reason magazine event: “It puts the people who consider themselves hip off-balance. For the longest time the left has considered itself hip and everyone else are dorks. I call it the Dean Wormer effect. If you remember Animal House, it’s the conservatives who are Dean Wormer and everybody else is cool, so I want to reverse it.”

Let the reversing begin and the unicorns be plentiful.

1. If there were a television channel that only showed one movie over and over, what movie should it be?
GUTFELD: It would be the movie I made in college over spring break in Mexico. It’s roughly seven and a half minutes long, and it’s very blurry, but if you squint you can pretty much figure out what’s going on there. Needless to say, Amnesty International has mixed feelings about the whole thing, although they did request ten copies.

2. What’s one of your favorite movie quotes?
GUTFELD: This is definitely my favorite one: "I am not one of those people who quotes movies. In fact, it’s lazy stupid thinking, done by people incapable of coming up with something original to say on their own. They should be shot in the face with a high-powered toilet scrubber." That’s from Seven and a Half Minutes in Tijuana, director, writer, and star: Greg Gutfeld.

3. In A Clockwork Orange, Malcolm McDowell is strapped in with his eyes propped open and forced to watch images until he was "cured." If you could give President Obama, Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Leader Harry Reid the "Clockwork Orange treatment," what movie would you make them watch?
GUTFELD: Love, Actually. I can tell you exactly where I was the day I saw that film (on my knees weeping in a North Hollywood theater).

4. What pop culture souvenir do you own that people would be surprised to learn that you cherish?
GUTFELD: I have Cameron Diaz’s pinkie.

5. What’s your current “guilty pleasure” non-news television show?
GUTFELD: I don’t have any “guilty pleasure" TV shows—but I do have lots of "guilty pleasures." Looting, robbery, hallucinogenic celery. Most “guilty pleasures” are truly guilty things. That and making my own coffee mugs. If you’d like one, go to “” They’re all biodegradable—and I make them myself in a vacant storage locker in my backyard. I’d love to show it to you sometime. You’ll come for the coffee mugs, but stay for the midnight dig.

6. Which movie, television or rock star would cause you to lose your ability to speak if you ever met?
GUTFELD: Without question, it would be Dom Deluise. Because he’s dead. I’d be like, “Holy crap, you’re dead!!!” And then I would be speechless, because he’s now alive. I really liked All Dogs Go to Heaven. It’s like a foreign film, in that it has a message (“all dogs go to heaven”).

7. What was the first rock concert you ever attended and where did you sit and who went with you?
GUTFELD: That’s a tough one. I believe it was Pat Travers, Cheap Trick and Blue Oyster Cult at the San Jose Civic Auditorium, in 1979, although I’m not sure. I was a huge Cheap Trick fan. That year I also saw the Police at the Zellerbach in Berkeley, and the Knack opened. I loved the Police, but hate Sting. He likes to swim nude. Don’t ask me how I know.

8. Tell me about a public or private moment when you thought to yourself, "This is what Elvis felt like every day.”
GUTFELD: It’s the time I took too much Percocet because I threw out my back, and as most people know, these pills cause constipation. So after two days of this, I thought: “This is what Elvis felt like every day.” 

9. What are you two favorite non-news websites?
GUTFELD: The That’s a RedEye fansite. And the That’s mine. For more information, buy my awesome book. For every one you purchase, you can get the same book for an identical price, which is ideal for people who like to simultaneously read two books using separate eyeballs.

10. What’s the coolest thing you’ve been able to do because of your role in the political arena?
GUTFELD: You know those new, secret 100 percent effective vaccines that reverse aging (basically you go to the government doctor and one inoculation knocks one decade off your life)? I would not have had access to them if it wasn’t for my “role in the political arena.” I could also tell you about the underground saunas, the private waterslides (which serve as transport between Manhattan and every major Eastern city), and the special discounts we get at Applebee’s … but why rub your nose in it? I shall live forever and enjoy baby back ribs at a fraction of the cost—and there’s nothing you can do about it. Last week, Lou Dobbs and I ate an entire llama under the Empire State Building.

11. What question do you wish reporters would ask you? What’s your answer to that question?
GUTFELD: It’s the question overlooked by everyone: How can I get large pectorals without worrying about the inevitable sag that comes later in life? The answer: alternate between decline and incline benches, using a pyramid sequence of weight, going from light to heavy, incorporating sets of 10 to 12 repetitions. That will lead to well-round, firm pecs that will be the envy at every pec party (for a list of pec parties go to my blog “GREGSAWESOMEPECPARTY.ORG”)

12. Tell me about the moment you decided to enter the political arena.
GUTFELD: I think you have confused me with someone else. I have never entered the political arena. The political arena, however, might have entered me. I was roofied.