Conservative Comedian Monologues on Justice Stevens and Oprah

Liberal Supreme Court justice John Paul Stevens has announced he plans to retire sometime this summer.  I don’t want to say Stevens is old, but even Obama referred to him as “a shovel-ready job.”

Given Stevens’ age, I’m worried that, if he steps down, he won’t be able to get back up.

Not only are the Republicans and Democrats likely to spar over Obama’s next appointment, but they can’t even agree on the correct pronunciation of Obama’s “short list.”

Rumors are flying that Obama plans to nominate Hillary Clinton to be on the Supreme Court—which would mean that both Obama and Clinton would then have jobs for life.

Tax day is rapidly approaching and, according to the latest statistics, more than half of all Americans will pay no income tax at all.  That number drops to 30% if you don’t count Obama’s cabinet.

And the census is running into problems, with experts claiming that tens of millions of Americans are not answering the survey.  Here’s my question… How do they know?

In far more important news, Fox Television has cancelled its hit show, “24”…will Obama stop at nothing to let the terrorists win!!!

I think Obama wanted “24” cancelled because it reminded him too much of his approval ratings.

A leading fan magazine reports that, over the course of “24”s eight year run, over two thousand people were either killed or wounded.  And that’s just from Kiefer Sutherland’s driving.

In other pop culture news, according to an article in the Washington Post, Oprah Winfrey is such a diva that she refuses to use the stairs.  I’m guessing she also refuses to use the Stair Master. 

Meg Whitman has spent $59 million of her own money in her campaign to become Governor of California.  So, I guess her experience at e-Bay is really paying off, with Whitman simply outbidding her competition.

Meanwhile, global-warming enthusiasts are meeting for the last time before their big gathering this winter in Cancun, Mexico.  Mexico?  If they really thought the world was heating up, shouldn’t they be meeting in Siberia?