Headlines We Don't Want to See

Has it really been over 2400 hours since his holiness the Obamessiah took the oath of office? My, how time flies when you’re not having fun. But President Obama certainly seems to be having fun. Perhaps not since Lyndon Johnson has anyone so enthusiastically grasped the reins of office and whipped those federal horses into a stampede (OK–halves of horses.)

This is a president with the laser-like focus of an oil spill. One minute he’s trying to stimulate the economy, the next he’s seeking Taliban moderates (perhaps there’s a category on Craig’s List), right after firing the presidents of GM and giving Chrysler to its union. But don’t blink or you’ll miss him sucking up to Hugo Chavez, just before helping college football pick a playoff system.

It’s a virtue to follow the Gospel of St. Harry of Callahan, who said, "Yea and verily, a man’s gotta knoweth what his limitations are". Confidence is a good thing in most people and an absolute necessity in presidents, but what we have here seems to be the belief that, just by entering a room, our fearless leader can, Mary Tyler Moore-style, turn the world on with his smile. (So far, it hasn’t worked on Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, but I digress).

And sky-high public approval ratings (apparently you can fool most of the people most of the time) can only further embolden him to fire off his Midas touch in every conceivable direction. You think we’ve seen scattershot federal intervention? We ain’t seen nuthin’ yet, but in the months to come, here’s what we may see:

LOS ANGELES–President Obama today ordered an end to the "extreme judging" of contestants on American Idol, saying the practice "is contrary to American values". Citing the "virtual waterboarding of Matt Giraud," Mr. Obama stated that such judging won’t be tolerated under his administration, and added that this sort of contestant ordeal "merely aids in the recruitment of viewers to Al Jazeera". The president refused to rule out prosecutions of Simon Cowell and Ryan Seacrest, although observers believe attorneys for the network who allowed the harsh procedures may be the first targets of any Justice Department indictments, especially given that the network is Fox.

NEW YORK–The Detroit Lions’ selection of Georgia quarterback Matthew Stafford with the first pick of the 2009 NFL draft was "shortsighted and counterproductive," declared President Obama today. "An 0-16 team plans to improve with a rookie quarterback and no offensive line protection?" asks the president, noting that Baylor offensive tackle Jason Smith could have filled a bigger need for the hapless Lions. "This is typical of the bad decisions coming out of Detroit recently," said the president, who added that Lion’s management "will have to be changed before this administration extends any helping hand to the franchise." The president said that if Washington does have to take over the Lions, "they can forget about beating the Redskins." The president also that Detroit should consider players who are "more fuel efficient," citing granola as one possible addition to the Lions’ training table.

NEW YORK–The Howard Stern radio show got an unexpected visitor today, in the person of White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emmanuel, who stormed into Stern’s studio unannounced. Emmanuel informed Stern that the recent Supreme Court ruling allowing continued fines for on-air profanity will be enforced. Or, as Emmanuel put it, "That low life %$&^#@! isn’t going to say another *&$%#@! word that isn’t allowed, or I’ll personally $%#@! his little &*%$#!".

WASHINGTON–First Lady Michelle Obama today surprised a Democratic Party fundraiser by publicly naming 3 prominent women she’d just seen using the Mayflower Hotel ladies’ room without washing their hands. Noting the continued battle against swine flu (to which she referred as "the virus formerly known as swine," Mrs. Obama suggested that the women try the audacity of soap if they don’t want to feel her 500 dollar sneakers on their backsides.

PENSACOLA–Police responded to reports of a domestic dispute Saturday night at the home of Earl and Wanda sue Ledbetter of North Wafford Street, prompting calls for "a more focused approach to this national disgrace" from President Obama. Noting that police hauled Mr. Ledbetter to jail after he swung at an officer, the president urged a "greater emphasis on counseling," and hinted that the Federal Mediation and Conciliation Service might have to get involved if "Pensacola authorities fail to recognize the compelling need for greater compassion toward the alcohol-impaired."

And so it goes, with the president more and more convinced that only his personal touch can turn this country around. Mr Obama does admit to one recent mistake, the flyby of lower Manhattan by part of the Air Force One fleet. But the president says it wasn’t his fault, noting that, flying just in front of the jumbo jet, was the teleprompter plane.