Who's the Coward Mr. Holder?

When my wife told me that Attorney General Eric Holder said that Americans are cowards for not having a deeper discourse about race, I asked her if she had actually been reading “Mad Magazine” and had mistakenly confused Attorney General Holder with Alfred E. Neuman. She eventually convinced me that the comment was indeed attributed to Attorney General Holder and not Alfred E. Neuman.

I should have known. Mr. Neuman makes a lot more sense.

Before I swan dive into the whitewater (no pun intended) racial rapids, let me say up front that I am a proud, large and in charge American man who was born, raised and cut my rhythm and blues musical teeth in the guts of Motown, the Mighty Motor City. All of my musical heroes were and are black musical gods. If you don’t enjoy my soulful music, blame musical mastersoulblasters Chuck Berry and James Brown. They taught me how to dance, play outrageous music and scare people. Trust me, sometimes I can hardly get next to myself.

And then I read Attorney General Holder’s cowardly comments regarding race relations in America. Since he made the comment, I guess the only good way to judge it is to apply the coward label to him and his boss. Come now, only the guilty need feel guilty. Let us all get next to ourselves, brothers and sisters. Just don’t stand next to me. In honor of Richard Pryor, the funniest man to have ever lived, my Afro can spontaneously combust.

Quite honestly, I have no idea what Attorney General Holder was speaking about. Does he want white, red, yellow and black folk to get together to discuss culinary similarities, religious views, cultural differences, political ideologies? I have neither the time nor inclination for this kind of trivial small talk. I like to get next to the matter real quick like.

Instead of tossing out racially-loaded bombshells, Attorney General Holder should have used a few personal anecdotes about his distrust or misunderstanding of white folk, Mexicans, Chinese, Japanese, or Arabs. That would have displayed true leadership, shown that even he harbors ugly racist views in the privacy of his own home. Surely there must be some racist skeletons hanging in his closet or he wouldn’t have made
such a comment.

Let the humble guitar boy help lead our Attorney General. Call me Mr. Charity.

Americans surely have a right to know if our Attorney General or his boss harbors any racial stereotypes or feelings. For example, has he or his boss ever laughed at or, God forbid, told a joke about a race different from theirs?

Wouldn’t it be fascinating if a reporter would ask Attorney General Holder if he believes the color of President Obama’s skin had anything to do with roughly 99% of black folk voting for President Obama?

Wouldn’t it be interesting to hear Attorney General Holder’s views on the percentages of white to black thugs charged with hate crimes?

It would surely be riveting to know if Attorney General Holder believes racism has any thing to do with upwards of 50% of black children not graduating from high school and 70% of them being raised in single parent households.

Wouldn’t it be enlightening to hear the Attorney General tell us if he believes President Obama’s former pastor, Reverend Wright, has used what he believes to be racist language or if he believes President Obama ever, in the 20 years he attended Wright’s church, heard the reverend use racist language or racial themes in his sermons?

It would be captivating to hear Attorney General Holder’s views on affirmative action, racial set-asides for contracts and the like.

Last and not – no way, no how – least: Eric Holder doesn’t believe that the Second Amendment preserves an individual’s right to keep and bear arms. I’d really like to know why. If he isn’t courageous enough to grab a shotgun and blow some punk who’s threatening his family back out the window the thug broke in through, why does he think I shouldn’t be able to do that to protect my family?

I just can’t wait to hear his answer.

Come now, Mr. Attorney General, lead us in this conversation. Be bold, be brave. Don’t be cowardly. Swing low, sweet chariot.

In the mean time, apologies are in order to Alfred E. Neuman and the usual gang of idiots at “Mad Magazine.” In no way did I mean to besmirch your fine publication by attributing such a cowardly and not so funny comment to your esteemed and revered mascot, Alfred E. Neuman. What, me worry?