Forget Suze Orman, Practice the Obama Plan

America is deep in debt, income is declining, bankruptcies are rising, confidence has tanked, unemployment is surging, the housing bubble has popped, and, if it weren’t for printing presses and Treasury bills, nothing would be made in America anymore.

A foolish man might look at it all and conclude that years of profligate spending, lack of savings, artificially low interest rates, and government schemes to inflate housing demand have lead us to ruin — and that now is the time to rebuild the economy on sounder footing. Barack Obama and the best team of economic advisors that Wall Street and the Huffington Post can provide look at it all, however, and conclude that what’s needed is years more of profligate spending, lack of savings, artificially low interest rates, and government schemes to inflate housing demand. To the Obama Team, the problem isn’t that the country is in an economic hangover, it’s that it ever stopped drinking in the first place.

Advice this good shouldn’t be kept for just the powerful elite in government. No, it should be shared with the common man as well. And now it can be, as HUMAN EVENTS has discovered that Obama has established a Consumer Credit Counseling Hotline to offer “Stimulus” style financial advice to individual citizens who find themselves as broke and clueless as the country at large. In fact, we’ve obtained a transcript of several recent calls and now share Barack’s miracle wealth creation system with you, our dear readers…

Barack Obama (BO): Hello, you’ve reached Barack Obama’s Consumer Credit Counseling Hotline. What sort of crisis do you need me to save you from with my special economic insights and patented brand of hope?

Caller: Yeah, hello. Thanks for taking my call. I’m having some money issues. I’m a little embarrassed to say this, but back when times were good, I kind of went nuts with my credit cards and now they’re all maxed out. I’m $45,000 in debt, surrounded by consumer crap I don’t really need, and worried that I’m just one paycheck away from bankruptcy. I’m feeling pretty stupid. What should I do?

BO: OK, caller, I recognize your problem and I’ve just solved a similar problem here in Washington. What I want you to do is this: go get another credit card. And then I want you to make a big list of anything you’ve ever wanted but held back on for lack of money. Then go buy all that stuff.

Caller: What?

BO: Yeah, go get a new pimped out hybrid. Hire some help for around the house — good union help. Get a loan and build some infrastructure onto your house — maybe a bigger garage or a solar powered hot tub. I know: how about some Barack Obama commemorative plates? Also, donate a lot of money to some feel-good causes and put that on the new credit card too. That way you can act all indignant if anyone calls it a waste. Thanks for your confidence in my system, have a good eve…

Caller: Are you crazy? I already said I spent too much. My cards are maxed out. I can’t borrow any more.

BO: Whoa, whoa, whoa, man. Enough with the failed policies of the past. I mean I’ve got a system straight out of Franklin Roosevelt’s playbook here. You can’t argue with that. Who called who for advice after all?

Caller: I called you.

BO: Yeah, that’s right. I solve problems for the little man. Now the problem with your credit cards is not that you hit the spending limits, it’s the spending limits. I’m going to take those off the cards for you, hold on… [typing is heard in the background]. Ok, good, I’ve raised your limits to like $45 trillion. Go out and stimulate Best Buy.

Caller: You can do that?

BO: It’s all about a public/private partnership.

Caller: You mean you work with the private credit card companies?

BO: No, I mean it’s about a partnership I would prefer to keep private from the public. By the way, your mortgage payments now need to be mailed to Beijing, look into buying some forever stamps. Bye.

[phone ringing]

BO: Thank you for calling Barack’s Credit Counseling Hotline. My name is Barack. I’ll be your savior today.

Caller 2: Hello….

BO: Hello, go ahead.

Caller 2
: Dudes! Shu uh! I can’t hear the frickin President. Hello…

BO: Yes, how may I save you today?

Caller 2: This is Mark. Uh… Hello?

BO: Yes, Mark, go ahead.

Caller 2: No, I’M Mark. Is this Joe Biden, Man?

BO: No, this is your historic new President, Barack Obama. What’s your crisis?

Caller 2
: ’Cause when I called earlier I got Joe Biden, so I hung up and called back just now.

BO: Yes, Joe is not allowed near the hotline anymore. He’s locked in a safe place until we need him to go to Union Halls and mention that he’s a Catholic sometime in 2012. How can I help you?

Caller 2
: Ok, yeah, me and shipmates are at this bar and they won’t give us drinks no more ‘cause we spent all our money already. I don’t want to quit partying, what should I do?

BO: Oh, I see. You’re a drunken sailor?

Caller 2: No, I’M MARK! Wait…

Caller 2: OK, My friends say I am drunk, so yeah, I guess I am a drunken sailor.

BO: OK, I want you to stay right there. I’m going to send a car to pick you up. There’s an opening on my council of economic advisors (due to a little tax issue) and I think you would be perfect for the job. Also, I’m opening a tab for you in the name of…uh, Howard Wiseman of Buffalo, New York.

Caller 2: Who the heck is Howard Wiseman? DUDE, I’M MARK!

BO: Howard Wiseman is a taxpayer I picked at random out of this book of suckers the IRS sent me. He’ll now be paying for your binge behavior. You just keep stimulating that bar, son.


BO: Good work, son. This is a crisis and we need to spread the wealth. At ease and full speed ahead!

[phone ringing]

BO: Obamessiah Brand Credit Counseling. How can I lead you today?

Caller 3: Howdy. I’m broke and I have no income or assets or any jobs or anything. My credit stinks. But I have a lot of things I would like to buy and do in spite of all these technicalities. Basically I just want to impress my friends without all the bother of figuring out how to be productive. Can I have some money?

BO: Son, I could give you money and you’d be rich for a day. Or I could teach you how to make money and you’ll be rich forever.

Caller 3: Wait, did I call my Dad by accident? I don’t want to get a job and make money. I just want money.

BO: Who said anything about getting a job? I said I was going to teach you how to make money. Do you have a printer and a computer there?

Caller 3: Yeah, my Dad bought it for me.

: OK, I want you to get a picture of $100 bill off the internet and just print out as many of those as you need to impress your posse. That’s what I do!

Caller 3: But isn’t that illegal?

BO: Not if I make you part of the Federal Reserve! Where are you right now?

Caller 3: In my Dad’s basement.

BO: No, what city?

Caller 3: Newton.

BO: OK, I’m signing an executive order… [In background: Is this all I have to sign, Rahm?] All right, caller, you’re now the Federal Reserve Bank of Newton. Print up as much cash as you think you need to swing some weight around and tell your friends it’s free money from Barack!

Caller 3: Oh man, I’m out of ink!

BO: It’s all virtual now, son. Just make up some numbers and email those off to Bank of America. Put like 12 zeroes behind the number and tell them it’s this week’s bailout and needs to go into your account. Also, could I interest you in some T-bills for part of that money you’re making?

Caller 3: I’m a vegetarian. I don’t eat steak.

BO: These are carbon neutral.

[long silence]

Caller 3: Am I going to get I trouble for any of money making stuff?

BO: No, none of this will come home to roost until after you’re practically re-elected already. I’ve done the math. Next caller… Ahnald in California, you’re on the line. How can I fund you?