This letter was found on the sidewalk outside the Capitol. Its authenticity could not be verified.
My Dear Wormwood,
You say that the economic crisis of late has consumed the attention of the young country’s leaders, and you succeeded in convincing your Patient to spend even more by foisting the debt onto the next generation.
You and your fellow Tempters did well in leading your Patients to act quickly and without reflection. Now they’ve become accustomed to spending hundreds of billions of dollars in one bill, and even easier to hide our projects.
It is amusing to imagine the troubles this debt will cause future Patients. With this country’s foolish rejection of castes and ethnic superiority we’ve finally revived that entertaining custom of generational curses.
It was a brilliant scheme for each of you Tempters to stoke that lovely trait of greed so broad and wide that each Patient could blame someone else for the economic collapse. Even better, each demands that they have the right to take more — especially from those that your fellow Tempters could not entice. I cannot stop chuckling at this. Spread the pain around, I always say.
You ask why I directed you to ensure that billions of the new “stimulus” package go to contraception (besides the obvious fodder for late-night comedians of free contraception “stimulating” the people). Did it not occur to you that each generation of this wretched country builds on the last in ever more inventive and productive ways, so we want fewer of them? And if there are fewer of them, there are fewer to pay off the debt.
Are you so foolish not to understand the multiple benefits? The more the government gives to the Patient’s favored family planning group Planned Parenthood (praise be to it), the more abortions the group commits. (Surely you’ve read the reports issued by the Lowerarchy Institute on “Deliberate Unintended Consequences.”)
Free contraception to the young and impressionable — especially when parents are rightfully kept in the glorious dark — becomes a “right,” an “entitlement” that must be expanded to others.
Did you not notice that your Patient arranged for free contraception to those who are not poor — to the children of middle-class families and wives of men of means — since the qualification for eligibility is “personal income”?
Unchastity has such gratifying consequences to body and soul: disease, adultery, jealousy, abortion, callousness, fatherless and abandoned babies. It helps form the character of those whom your fellow Tempters turn into role models. Where would we be today without Hollywood stars spectacularly glamorizing the virtues of unchastity? Your Patient is helping her countrymen fulfill their desires to live like those stars.
Do you not see how this plan will work?
The Patient and her allies entice their countrymen to depend on the government to provide their children’s health care and education. As the education system fails, and free contraception leads to disease, abortion, and fatherless children, the solution is for the government to spend more on education and health care. They transfer the costs to the next generation.
And here is the twist. Ensure there are fewer in the next generation to shoulder the burden of debt.
I hear your protests now. They’ll just increase the number of immigrants into the miserable country.
Have you not been paying attention to the work of your fellow Tempters? While your Patient was including free contraception in the stimulus package, her Leader signed an order to re-direct foreign aid to groups that promote abortion in other countries.
It was a stroke of genius. Who better to support groups that are intent on reducing the number of African, Latin and Asian babies than the first African-American president?
Your fellow Tempters acted quickly to thwart the Enemy’s attempts to overturn that order in the Senate. His pawn, Jim DeMint, tried to spoil our work to take our program worldwide. But his amendment was defeated.
That DeMint is intent on undermining our efforts to covertly fund overseas abortions. Just last week he uncovered that the new Leader’s nominee for Deputy Secretary of State, James Steinberg, fell for our line that it is “unconstitutional” for the government not to fund groups that promote abortion. That would have slipped by if DeMint had not pointed out that the Supreme Court ruled that the government has no constitutional duty to subsidize an activity merely because the activity is allowed.
Never underestimate the Enemy to step in just as we have everything in place. Do not let the latest setback deter you. We both know the value of persistence. Find more ways for your Patient to fund contraception and abortion programs, and you’ll make your future work even easier.
Your affectionate uncle,