Oh, No! It's 2009

According to the Chinese calendar, 2008 was the “Year of the Rat.” But that’s a completely inadequate monicker for the year of Eliot Spitzer, Jeremiah Wright, Chris Matthews, Rod Blagojevich, Somali pirates, the Obama boom and the McCain bust.

2008 wasn’t the year of the Dark Knight.  It was the year of the Joker:  why so serious?  What could be funnier than the possibility of Al Franken in the US Senate?  Ok, ok.  Banking Queen Barney Frank is, and maybe Sen. Caroline Kennedy would be.  

And if those images aren’t bizarre enough for you, how about the facts that — for a while at least — the French President was speaking as if he liked us, and his nation managed to go a whole year without surrendering to anybody?  

Some Iraqi reporter tossed his shoes at W and the Arab world is treating him like a big celebrity.  C’mon, you guys.  That punk isn’t a great celebrity: take that from a nation that just elected one president.  No, we didn’t elect Paris Hilton.  We did much worse than that.

Most importantly, 2008 was the Year of the RINO.  Conservatives went from early February through November 4th with a low-grade headache and acid indigestion, and not even Dr. House could have diagnosed the cause. It wasn’t until November 5, when we recovered suddenly, that we knew.

The affliction was caused by mental equivalent of conflicting medications. We did our best to follow Ronald Reagan’s Eleventh Commandment (to not speak ill of a fellow Republican).  But with John McCain on the ticket, it wasn’t what the liberals call “cognitive dissonance”: we all suddenly became politically bipolar.  Yes, we voted for McCain anyway, knowing Obama would be worse.  And, if only in that, Obama will not disappoint.

It was the year of $4 a gallon gasoline, bailouts of every politically-connected company except the Emperors’ Club and innovations in global warming fraud.  As the year ends we read a report that air travelers flying out of (where else?) San Francisco International will soon be able to buy “certified carbon offsets” at airport kiosks to assuage their guilt at contributing to global warming by flying on something other than a magic carpet.

A company named “3Degrees” will take these suckers’ money in return for the carbon offset certificate. And where, pray, will the money go, other than possibly to purchase an Emperors’ Club membership for 3Degrees’ CEO?  Marketing, of course.  3Degrees, according to its website, helps utility companies market “renewable energy.”  The airport kiosk scheme should be the plot for an episode of “Mad Men” on cable tv.  Well, maybe not.  It’s not sexy enough.

Let the liberals buy the carbon credits. Conservatives should buy their overpowered muscle cars and SUVs before the greenies make them illegal.  (Any conservative who buys a Toyota Prius will have his Vast Right Wing Conspiracy membership card confiscated immediately).  

President-elect Barack Obama says he wants to spend enough to create 2.5 million jobs in the next two years.  And he says he’ll get the legislation to do it through Congress without any earmarks.  Yeah, sure, pal.  The whole bill will be pork but PEBO and Vice President-elect Hairplug will insist it’s kosher.  

As President-elect Pothole prepares his economic stimulus plan (for “shovel ready projects”), the pigs are already lining up at the trough.  Philadelphia’s mayor, fortuitously named Nutter, is lining up projects to pay for with his cut.  Among them are, according to the Philly Inquirer, a $100 million renewal project to attract a casino to a run-down area.  Which is probably a better bet than $17 billion for GM and Chrysler.  

2009 isn’t going to be any improvement unless we fight long, hard and consistently.  But steady on, hearts of oak.  Toss aside those L.L. Bean catalogues.  We aren’t going to be in the wilderness long enough to use all the tools on our Swiss Army knives.  

We can see 2009 coming, a black sail on the horizon with the skull and crossbones flying from the mizzen.  All hands on deck.  Beat to quarters, load with chain shot and issue a saber and brace of pistols to each hand, for I mean to grapple and board.

Cartoon by Brett Noel

If 2008 was the Year of the RINO, we’re going to make 2009 the Year of the RINO hunter.  Yes, we’ll have to fight PEBO from the moment he becomes PBO, but that’s what we do: we stand for conservative principles and no liberal Democrat or pseudo-Republican will talk us out of them.  

And it’s not as if we don’t have the horses to run this race.  I predict we’ll see a lot more of them flying their true colors in Congress (including a certain Senate Minority Leader) now that they don’t have to carry water for the Bush administration.  Rep. Tom Price of Georgia is the new head of the Republican Study Committee in the House, and he’s no shrinking violet.  His Senate counterpart — Sen. Jim DeMint — is one of the most committed conservatives in the nation.  Behind them stand strong men and women too numerous to name here.  

We’ll be activist, even more than we have in the past.  The Obama administration — coupled with the most liberal congress in memory — will be working at a fevered pace to grant amnesty to illegal immigrants, confirm liberal judges, and block economic recovery with tax increases and global warming schemes.  They’ll try to make every liberal nostrum that’s been percolating on the back burner for eight years the law of the land. If the Senate RINO caucus joins the Dems to prevent a filibuster, we’ll hammer them all.  From here on, the Gang of 14 — what’s left of them — won’t be given any free passes.

We know what the MoveOn.orgies want Obama to do and how they’ll push him — and Congress — to do it. Never mind all that blather from the Keith Olbermann Network about Obama governing “from the center.” The MoveOn.orgies’ political action director, Eli Pariser, said they want to, “make sure Congress is squeezed between a progressive president and a progressive constituency.”

If we can hold back the tide of liberalism for the next two years, even if we don’t win every battle, there will be a strong come back in 2010.  Conservatives are out of power, not out of ideas.  Here we stand, and for these principles we will fight.  Lock and load, troops.  And Happy New Year, folks.