Today the Bush administration announced a bold plan to combine the War on Terror with the Wall Street Bailout by merging General Motors with the Central Intelligence Agency. The new entity, The Motors and Intelligence Agency, or MIA, will employ approximately 1,000,000 people in a joint effort to combat both Global Jihad and Warming.
“We feel this merger brings the best aspects of big government to big business and verse vice-a,” President Bush commented in a Rose Garden Ceremony. Congressional Democrats immediately hailed the plan as “a sensible expansion of government power into a swing state economy.” Congressional Republicans insisted that their efforts to question the deal were not racist after the New York Times released leaked word of the deal under the headline “Nazi Republicans Plot to Displace Minority Autoworkers from America’s Gestapo.”
“This is a natural union,” CIA spokesman Anton Franken commented at the ceremony. “When I saw that GM was at risk of going out of business just because for years they have put out an expensive, useless and unreliable product, I thought ‘there but for the Grace of Congress go I.’ So we stopped the bankruptcy.”
Union representative Clement McHoffa praised the deal as “a way to get better dental benefits and free up people from the assembly line to campaign for Obama.” “Enough of this private sector crap,” he added.
The inaugural product of the union will be the Chevy “Deadweight,” a GPS-guided subcompact car bomb designed to be dropped from a B-52 onto terrorist targets inside Pakistan and other “friendly” nations.
Air Force General Rex “Max” Digger explained, “The debris from our missiles is always a dead giveaway that it was a U.S. airstrike. By just dropping an exploding car on the enemy, it’ll look like they were killed in a car bomb attack. Those people are always car-bombing something over there. No one will suspect a thing.”
The project ran into its first roadblock just hours later, however, when Sen. Charles “Chuck” Schumer announced that he was investigating possible financial wrongdoing in the merger. The investigation was halted, however, after it was announced that the “wrongdoing” was just a union “accounting error” and therefore unlikely to be politically useful against Republicans.
Due to rigid Congressionally-imposed fuel standards, though, the Deadweight is not expected to see production until 2014. “I don’t care if it is a car bomb,” commented Massachusetts Rep. Barney Frank. “We want it to be redesigned as a hybrid/flex fuel vehicle. Global Warming knows no boundaries, and, since it’s a GM product, we can’t count on all of them actually exploding on impact. The Pakistanis may end up driving these things around for years. My constituents should feel secure knowing that we will not contribute to Osama Bin Laden’s carbon footprint.”
Ford and Pakistan were unavailable for immediate comment.