Democrats regard southerners as hayseed, gun-toting, backwater hicks who are especially embarrassing when screaming for their favorite NASCAR driver or pledging allegiance to “one nation under God.” Let’s face it, southerners are simply not genteel or refined enough for NARAL, Democrat-sponsored D.C. cocktail parties, or the European Union. Nor are we accustomed to surrendering on the battlefield as quickly and as frequently as the French-loving Democrats.
If you really think about it, the gap separating Democrats, who claim to represent “the people,” and southerners, who constitute a large enough segment of “the people” to make or break a politician’s electoral hopes, is so wide you can barely see across it. And that’s why Democrat Presidential and Senatorial candidates take the N.O.W. and “I break for tofu” bumper stickers off their cars for a just a couple of days once every four or six years, and have their pictures taken in a hunting vest or a pickup truck (but never in front of a Confederate flag) in order to persuade at least one southern state to support them.
Each time I see a Democrat candidate do this – try to fool southerners into believing that he shares their values – I laugh and tell my friends that the candidate just had his “southern moment.” (Oddly enough, southerners are rarely taken in by this kind of ploy. They seem to know that there are only 60 seconds in a minute and once those 60 are gone the liberal’s fake accent will disappear as well.)
Did I say fake accent? Hillary’s southern moment must be weighing on my mind. In the spring of 2007, her moment took her from screaming at Bill in that high, shrill tone to reading the words of an old Negro spiritual by James Cleveland in front of a crowd of would-be supporters in a black church in Selma, Alabama. That’s right, her attempt to garner votes in southern black communities included her standing behind the pulpit in that Selma church, and slowly (and mechanically) telling the congregation: “Friends, we have a march to finish…‘I don’t feel no ways tired, I come too far from where I started from.’” (I forgot to mention that she did all this while simultaneously doing an absolutely terrible Scarlet O’Hara imitation).
When I first saw that video, it was immediately evident that no New Yorker had looked that out of place in the south since Vincent Gambini tried to blend in with the “good ol’ boys” in his leather coat and leisure suit in the 1992 movie, “My Cousin Vinny.”
In 2006, Democrat senatorial candidate Harold Ford Jr.’s “southern moment” included the now famous picture of him standing in front of a Confederate flag outside the Little Rebel Bar & Grill in Jackson, Tennessee. According to Linda Feldmann’s October 25, 2006 article in the Christian Science Monitor, Ford said he and his driver were going past the bar when God told him “to stop by.” (This is absolutely amazing: a Democrat who used God’s name without taking it in vain.)
Ford actually stretched his southern moment into about a minute and half by wearing a camouflage hunting cap in one of the pictures in front of the flag. He had no choice but to do this. He had lived in Washington D.C. since 1970, when his father began his first term in the House of Representatives, and had to find some way to make the Tennesseans think he was still a southerner at heart. But once again, the “un-ed-ja-ma-cated” simple folk (whom his children never met while attending the same elite prep school in D.C. as Al Gore’s kids) were not fooled by the photo.
Perhaps the most memorable of all Democrat southern moments was one given us by the Vietnam War Veteran-turned-Vietnam War protestor-turned-French apologist, John Kerry. While campaigning for president in October 2004, Kerry tried to persuade southerners that he could relate to them by going on a goose hunt in Boardman, Ohio. In the photos of the event, Kerry was seen walking back from the hunt without a bird in hand. Yet BBC News, a fitting news agency to broadcast coverage of a European sycophant such as Kerry, reported that “Mr. Kerry [insisted] he had killed a goose but was ‘too lazy’ to carry it.”
Kerry was a fraud and Vice President Dick Cheney would have none of it. While many southerners were still asking themselves, “Why the heck didn’t ‘Lurch’ pick up the goose?” Cheney was in Sylvania, Ohio, pointing out that Kerry had had to purchase a new vest to go on the hunt. It “make[s] me wonder how regularly he does go goose hunting,” Cheney added.
Then-CNN reporter John Mercurio had tried to meet Cheney’s objections before they were voiced by running a pre-hunt story that began this way: “Meet John Kerry, regular guy. Just a baseball watchin’, beer drinkin’, geese huntin’, gun totin’, stem cell research supportin’ guy.” But there was no viable defense of Kerry’s sophistry, and even Mercurio’s article reminded readers that Kerry was a full-fledged anti-gunner who, in 1993, said, “I think you ought to tax all ammunition more [and] personally, I think you ought to tax guns.” This point was so brilliantly exploited by Wayne LaPierre that, in the end, Kerry learned a hard yet simple lesson about southerners: Democrats, whether their skin color is black, yellow, brown, or white, don’t lose elections in the “racist South” because of the K.K.K. but because of the N.R.A.
And this brings us to the question which is burning in my mind right now: Isn’t it about time for Obama to shoot his goose? After all, like Hillary, Ford, and Kerry, he has nothing in common with southerners. He hates everything they love. He hates guns, he hates the U.S. military, he hates the fact that we are winning in Iraq, and he hates the fact that we are the world’s sole superpower. His latest push for universal pre-school also proves his disdain and distrust for the family and parental control over education; both of which are near and dear to the hearts of southerners.
For southerners, Obama couldn’t have picked a worse V.P. candidate as far as winning over the south is concerned. Senator Joe Biden is so anti-gun he makes Rosie O’Donnell look like Samuel Colt. His current standing with the N.R.A. is dismal: they have given him a failing grade concerning his voting record on gun issues throughout his congressional career. And Biden may be the only man alive who could boast of being more arrogant than Obama, Hillary, or that uppity goose hunter named John Kerry. (Southerners aren’t much are arrogant people – thus their low view of Hollywood’s growing list of actors turned activists.)
To round things off, Biden is a pro-abortion senator who, in June 2006, voted against a law requiring parental notification of minors who crossed state lines to get abortions. In March 2004, he opposed laws which would punish criminals for harming an unborn fetus while committing a crime. (While this particular vote is going to be very unpopular with southerners, it ought to endear him to Obama who opposes punishing doctors who refuse to help resuscitate a “fetus” that proves strong enough to survive an abortion attempted on him or her.)
For all these reasons and more, there’s simply no denying the fact that Obama needs to grasp his southern moment quickly – he ought to wrap up in some camouflage and shoot a goose right now (or at least as soon as the season opens). To be honest with you, as antithetical as his political views are to those found in the south, he probably needs to shoot two or three geese and then clean them himself. Even then, an Obama/Biden ticket won’t win the south, but it’ll be fun to watch him get goose blood on his hands and say “eeewww” like a little girl.