We’re almost ready for the great event, and I, for one, have a few thoughts on how the Democratic National Convention should go.
Monday, August 25: Nancy Pelosi brings down the gavel with several hollow-sounding "thunks" on Dennis Kucinich’s head and proceedings are underway. A few Hillary delegates wave "Operation Chaos" signs. The platform committee recommends several key planks, including a guaranteed annual income of $75,000 for every American ($80,000 if you’re here illegally), a pledge to withdraw American troops from Iraq by the time the last unit in the inaugural parade has passed the reviewing stand, the construction of rest stops in the areas most prone to illegal passage from Mexico, and a pledge to pass a bill redefining the limits for late term abortion as "before puberty". Several Hillary delegates begin chanting "What the hell has he ever done?" but are drowned out by air horns. Senator Joe Biden addresses the convention but is stopped when it’s revealed that he’s actually passing off as his own words Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address.
A couple of Hillary delegates burn their bra’s in one aisle. A couple of Vermont delegates use the flames to light up their own tribute to convening in the Mile High City. The pot smell becomes so intense that Jesse Jackson, now addressing the convention, is rendered incapable of rhyming. Speaker Pelosi considers gaveling the proceedings to a close but….what the hell. Eventually everybody wanders out to get pizza. End of day one.
Tuesday: A multicultural group begins reciting the Pledge of Allegiance in Spanish, then English, but it eventually peters out because nobody actually knows the words in either language. Speaker Pelosi calls for names to be placed in nomination for President of the United States. A dozen Hillary delegates grab a microphone and begin snake-dancing through the hall while chanting "No Obama free pass…acclamation my a**". Security intervenes and a few punches are thrown. Rumors run rampant about Obama’s choice for running mate.
New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson holds a news conference to deny that he’s been formally chosen just yet, but nobody shows up to hear him. Hillary Clinton takes the stage early to announce that she’s decided to have her name placed in nomination after all and may the best woman win. Several hundred Hillary delegates start burning chairs and storming the stage but are turned back by tear gas. A couple of Vermont delegates declare the tear gas "primo", inhale, and hold their breaths. Order is finally restored when the voice of His Holiness, Barack Cardinal Obama, fills the auditorium saying, "This is my running mate, in whom I’m well pleased". And there, ascending the stage, is the person who’ll fill out the ticket. Within minutes, banners reading Obama-Olbermann are hanging from the ceiling. End of day two.
Hillary gives a one-hour speech about the cathartic effect of not having her name placed in nomination. She and DNC Chairman Governor Doctor Dean lead the convention in a five-minute primal scream therapy session to complete the catharsis.
Wednesday: United Nations Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon addresses the convention and thanks the delegates for ceding all U.S. sovereignty. Then he leaves, promising to drop by the White House to pick up his tax collections first thing January 21st.
Louisiana Congressman William Jefferson, against a semi-transparent backdrop of Ziplock Freezer Bags introduces William Jefferson Clinton, who gives a three and a half hour address on morality. He says he is for it, depending of course on what the definition if "is" is. Clinton gives a detailed examination of his many accomplishments while in office and concludes by congratulating Senator Obama on his nomination "even though this is all about me." Delegates all hold hands and try to channel Eleanor Roosevelt. End of day 3.
Thursday: The convention moves to Mile High Stadium and eagerly awaits the arrival of The Annointed One. They aren’t disappointed. After Reverend Jeremiah Wright’s invocation praying for "all Democrats, honkies included", a voice emanates from a burning bush, announcing "the next President of the United States". At this, Hillary Clinton is unable to rise because of the leg irons, and besides, a security moat has been dug around the speaker’s platform and filled with water. Then, striding across the surface of the water, comes the man of the hour. As a heavenly host sings forth, Barack Obama begins his remarks, eschewing a teleprompter in favor of stone tablets. He seems to be promising change. Then Vice Presidential nominee Keith Olbermann comes out on stage, his mouth barely foaming, and they hold their hands aloft in a victory observance. Then helium ballons…and Barack Obama…ascend skyward.
Sign up to the Human Events newsletter