Reflections of a Former Earthquake Virgin

You are reading the words of a changed man. I am no longer an Earthquake Virgin. Sure it was a small one by Northridge standards: it was a 5.8.  Everything is smaller by Northridge standards. Talk to a native Angeleno and the Indonesian Tsunami was nothing compared to 1994’s big one in the Southland. However that being said, I survived it, and was struck by a number of things from the experience, 5.4-ish Richter scale things to be precise.

1. There has apparently been few if any injuries and no looting, just consternation at a lack of cell phone service due to usage overload. I did hear a person mutter that they couldn’t find the text message that they had gotten earlier in the morning telling them where ‘the shoot’ was.

2. FEMA is not here. Ironically, neither is Mayor Villaraigosa.  He is vacationing overseas with family. However there is good news, the sanctuary policy remains firmly in place and the hundreds of safehouses stashing illegals, sent to LA by San Francisco mayor Gavin Newsom were untouched. The Mara Salvatrucha members are free to continue their mayhem. But back to my point– where exactly is FEMA? Where is my free stuff? Can’t I at least get a trailer?? A deferment on my mortgage or student loan payment? A skim milk double venti chai tea latte? Perhaps a tofu wrap? Anything, anyone gonna hook me up? Anyone? Do I need to shoot at a helicopter?

3. There has been a pronounced absence of looting but, then again, the Lakers lost this year. The only looting that appears to be going on is in Sacramento, but when they don’t loot us the taxpayers I worry more.

4.  I keep trolling the news channels, the blogosphere and talk radio– I have yet to hear Bush blamed, but I am optimistic. Has anyone seen Scott McClellan yet? I am sure that weasel has a revelation or two about Bush ordering the US Geological Survey guys to stand down. Don’t you know that Karl Rove and George Bush can easily control earthquakes. Ever wonder why there aren’t any quakes in Texas?? HAH.  It’s because Halliburton bought the tectonic plates.

5. What is the over/under on blaming Global Warming for this– the earth’s plates have swelled due to Al Gore’s Fever Theory…the world’s tectonic plates must be cooled or we will face more ‘convulsions.’  

5.1. Has OPEC, Iran, Russia, or Canada pledged any aid or any peacekeepers? Where are those UN prophylactics they love to send when cyclones level third world nations?

5.2. Has Nancy Pelosi, Barack Obama or Harry Reid issued a statement? We know Chuck Schumer won’t. He already created a disaster (.the IndyMac Bank Collapse) so why intervene in another?

5.3 Likewise where are the hearings? We need hearings, where is Henry Waxman? We need a hearing!  And maybe an impeachment resolution.  Dennis Kucinich, call your office.

5.4  Are there any News Anchors on the way, you know the way they parachute into disaster zones, wearing baseball caps, basic makeup and khakis. No one does it like Shep, he just about self immolates from the sensationalism.

By the way the best  visual was a guy, walking down the hall muttering to a friend…"hey I am gonna tell my wife I’m stuck at the office because of the quake. Wanna go drinkin in Hollywood later?"

We can laugh because no one got hurt– we can laugh because we are the one nation able to shake things like this off, when we get knocked on our butts like in Katrina or get a scraped knee, we get up, brush ourselves off and move onward. We are a great nation, because we can find comedy in danger. And I can now laugh, because I am no longer an Earthquake Virgin.